My Dog Eats His Own Puke Because He Is a Strategic Genius

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent announced Monday the U.S. will roll back its tariffs on Chinese goods as the Trump administration negotiates with Beijing—the latest backtracking the White House has done on its sweeping tariffs.

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You’ll never believe what my genius dog did yesterday! He came across a huge mess in our house and immediately devised a way to clean it up, all by himself. I’m so impressed that he quickly found a solution to a problem that could have really inconvenienced our whole household.  The only way I could be prouder of him is if he wasn’t the one who made the mess in the first place.

 

Sure, maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t puked in seven different places throughout the kitchen, the living room, and somehow the closed utility closet.  But if he hadn’t done that, how could he have shown off his amazing puke-eating strategy? If he hadn’t created it, there would be no problem to solve, and he wouldn’t be getting all this attention.

 

You should have seen him, proudly prancing over to us with his head held high as we looked around and realized what a special skill our good boy possessed. We are so lucky! Of course he couldn’t eat it all, but now we only have to clean up half the amount of his puke than we would have had to if he hadn’t eaten some of it, and one hundred percent more than if he hadn’t puked at all. I really mean it when I ask, “who saved who?”

 

What kind of family would we even be if there was no dog puke to clean up? The kind that doesn’t panic every time we think we hear the dog’s pre-puking herks? The kind who doesn’t have to check the pet cam every five minutes every day to see if he did it again? The kind who sometimes stop to wonder if the puking is out of malicious cruelty or extreme incompetence?  I guess we would just be a boring household that doesn’t think coming home to multiple pools of half-eaten puke-remnants is now a best-case scenario.

 

Now some people, like my wife, don’t understand how this makes the dog a genius. So I told her to think about it like when I forgot where I parked after a concert last week. After a shuttle driver drove me around for over an hour to look for my car, I had to settle for taking a $230 Uber home, where I woke her up to let me in at 1am (my house keys were in the car). The next day, she silently drove me an hour and a half back to the stadium to track down my car, where we learned it had been towed.  At the tow lot another forty-five minutes away, they only charged me $500 to get it back – far less than the cost of a new car. In the end, I saved my family the $40,000-plus a new car would have cost us.

 

Some people just don’t understand strategic brilliance when they see it. Wow, would you look at that, here are my house keys. They’ve been in my pocket the whole time. Oops, just dropped them. Oh no, they fell right into a fresh puke pile, and now the dog is eating them. He really is the ultimate mastermind! Just like his father.