Official List Of Other Things That You’re Prohibited From Doing In Alabama

Brushing your teeth (chewing mint-flavored nicotine gum is okay, within reason).

Dating outside of your gene pool (guys who work with your dad also okay).

Using a debit / credit card directly at the gas pump (what are you, a Commie? Go inside and say hello!).

Nodding a greeting towards someone who may be from outside of the country (they may interpret the gesture as hostile).

Exercise (a lap or two carrying a protest sign around the Planned Parenthood being the exception, of course).

Eating a vegetable that hasn’t been fried.

Watching The Bachelor with your wife.


Purchasing necessary items from anywhere other than Wal-Mart (not counting meth, of course).

Using indoor bathroom (that’s your cousin’s bedroom, show some respect!).

Smiling (you need more teeth to do it properly, anyway).

Using condoms and / or birth control pills (these items will prevent you from becoming pregnant!! Did you know that?!).

Experiencing hope (very, very bad for you. Just stop it.).

Lending your thoughts and prayers to anyone other than Szorghath The All-Knowing (soon, He will walk among us! Scream His name and squirm as you feel your pulse quicken and your thick blood churn and boil from within!!).

Read (ugh. It’s just so boring).