Op-Ed: I’m the Alien Controlling Mike Pence from Inside His Skull–Farewell, Earth 

My remaining time on Earth is limited. Regrettably, I must leave your planet before having mastered my imitation of homo sapiens. I am Rosenberg, the Arquillian prince who resides within the skull of the human politician known as Mike Pence. Until now I have managed to produce a nearly plausible facsimile of human behavior through the vessel of the former vice president. 

When I fled my native planet Arquillae, I was the heir to the dynasty which had governed the planet for only 90,000 Earth years. Our Golden Reign had scarcely begun when the assassinations accelerated, pushing my father into a shocked torpor which hindered his ability to administer law across our planet and its eighteen moons. Dizzyingly fast, he transformed from a wise king to a depressive, paranoid tyrant. 

Advisers decided I must escape to a habitable planet no less than eighty-seven parsecs from Arquillae. Earth–with its seas and mountains, and its nitrogenous atmosphere–was perfect. Arquillian scientists produced for me a life support system closely resembling your planet’s apex predator. And so, 41 Earth years ago, on a warm Indiana morning, “Michael Richard Pence” materialized fully grown on American soil. I soon adopted for him the affectionately short yet masculine moniker “Mike,” and in this form I began to serve the US State of Indiana.      

Adjusting to human customs has challenged me. As it is impossible to remove the dress shirt and slacks from my life support, I have never experienced your carnal pleasures. To deflect suspicion, I placed a pious squeamishness at the center of Michael’s persona so that other Midwestern Americans would believe he was real. I forged bonds. I studied your traditional beliefs. And still I yearn for home. It is difficult to express how painful it can be, not knowing if it will be possible to return, or if the relationships I cherished will still exist even if I do. My secrecy has only compounded that pain. Arquillians welcome aliens with open arms and place them within a kinship network whose individuals inquire into their memories of home. It confused me that homo sapiens, at least in Michael’s culture, does the opposite. However, I am proud of the success “Michael” has had administering your peculiar laws.

I never intended for Michael to become such a public figure, hard as that may be to believe. I had hoped to live more anonymously. I am a prince in exile. But as it is in my nature to govern, it was inevitable that Michael became a leader. When Donald Trump announced his pick for vice president I knew my greatest challenges were ahead. How would I maintain a convincing adult persona that could encourage a grown man whose mind was trapped in infancy to do as he pleased no matter the effect on other life forms and still preserve some semblance of religiosity, all while trying to prevent the public from realizing that “Michael” was simply a carbonic hexypolymer hypoatmospheric converter android? That behind the waxen eyes was no human soul, but a tiny alien prince pulling dozens of pneumatic levers, all to rescue himself and hold onto a glimmer of hope that one day, his descendants would rule Arquillae? I could only pray that if exposed, humans would find my dilemma relatable. 

I have been disturbed to see at the center of Michael’s success your species’ love of deception. Miraculously, not once has my true identity been revealed or even suspected. It seems all human beings either practice deception or acquiesce to it. Some do both. Former President Donald Trump does both while also deceiving himself. 

Now that you understand the true origins of the politician you mistook for a human named Mike Pence, I must share some wisdom with your species. Your former ruler must be punished. It’s the only way. Be not fooled henceforth.

I received word recently that the political situation on Arquillae is now safe for my return. I am overjoyed–although I admit, I had mixed feelings about leaving my two “daughters” and my “wife” (whom we all affectionately call “mother”). But now that Donald Trump has been indicted at least once by a grand jury and tried by another, with more indictments and trials likely to follow, I am ready to leave Earth behind. I understand the grief many of you might feel now that you know the truth about Michael. But please, accept this: “Mike Pence” was never real. The Michael suit may continue to operate in my absence for a year or two, but try not to vote for him. He knows not what he does.