Best of 2023

If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl’s Cash

Point Break

FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees. A disillusioned Utah throws his FBI badge into the sea of unfolded clothing in the junior’s section.

Wolf of Wall Street

Jordan Belfort earns $22 million in Kohl’s Cash in three days, which triggers the attention of the FBI. After a short stint in prison from all the illegal attainment of Kohl’s Cash, Belfort makes a living as a seminar speaker on legal Kohl’s Cash sales techniques. His first paycheck goes toward a gorgeous Kohl’s-exclusive vase by the Property Brothers.

The Untouchables

Agent Eliot Ness is on the case to put infamous Al Capone away. From the jurors’ constant donning of Apt. 9 suits in court, it is obvious they are on Capone’s Kohl’s Cash payroll. Ness convinces the judge to switch to legitimate jurors and Capone is sentenced to 11 years in prison. Prohibition is on the cusp of being repealed, and Ness declares, “I think I’ll have a drink, but only if the wine bottle is wrapped in one of those little covers from Kohl’s, like a fun Hawaiian shirt.”

Reservoir Dogs

A group of crooks, all nicknamed after hues of Sonoma brand t-shirts, carry out a heist to steal Mary-Kate and Ashley for Kohl’s jewelry. Mr. Orange is an undercover cop who is attempting to intercept the jewelry before it is sold for Kohl’s Cash. After shopping at Kohl’s for a jacket for his toy poodle, Mr. Blue, Mr. Pink, and Mr. White take Mr. Orange to the back and shoot him. As he is dying, Mr. Orange confesses he is indeed a police officer and also a sucker for a deal on adorable pet clothes.


Jerry Lundegaard is so uplifted by the great deals he can get with Kohl’s Cash that he realizes he has enough money and doesn’t go through with staging his wife’s kidnapping.


Many people want gangster Tony Montana dead, due to all his Kohl’s Cash-related crime, so they surround him at his estate. He taunts them with a Kohl’s Cash-filled suitcase yelling “say hello to my little friend that was on mega sale at Kohl’s!” Tony escapes death until an assassin shoots him, prompting him and the suitcase to fall from the balcony into a pool. The assassin mourns the loss of the Kohl’s Cash because he had been pining for a new pair of Sketchers.

Glengarry Glen Ross

A top salesman at a firm is sent to motivate the others with the famous speech, “A. Always B. Be C. Closing W. With K. Kohl’s C. Cash. Always be closing with Kohl’s Cash.” One of the salesmen asks if they should try to earn money instead of Kohl’s Cash, to which the boss replies, “Fuck you, Kohl’s Cash is for closers.”

Ocean’s Eleven

Criminal Danny Ocean plans a heist to steal $150 million in Kohl’s Cash. A ragtag team of experts in their field come together to pull off the job. Danny drives off into the sunset with his pinched Kohl’s Cash, except it has all expired.