Inanimate Objects the GOP Might Nominate for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections
Orange traffic cone
Box set of Ted Nugent CDs
The remains of Donald Trump’s smashed up Hollywood Walk of Fame star
A Bible with a bullet in it
An AR-15 with a bump stock
A MAGA hat
A box of Trump Steaks, unopened
A flaming bag of dog poop
One of Dennis Rodman’s nose rings
An American flag wrapped around a football with the phrase “Real Americans Stand for the Anthem” written on it with a Sharpie
A blank, white piece of paper
The White House curtains James Comey tried to use as camouflage
Melania’s “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” jacket
A novelty coffee mug with “Liberal Tears” printed on the side
Roy Moore’s high school yearbook
Paul Manafort’s prison jumpsuit
A confederate flag
A white bed sheet with eye holes
A Matryoshka nesting doll with Ivanka Trump’s likeness painted on it
An InfoWars bumper sticker
A greasy Chick-Fil-A bag with fourteen waffle fries in it
Human-sized rubber stamp
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Andrew is a writer from Orlando whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Cafe.com, Robot Butt, The Higgs Weldon, Parent.co, Scary Mommy, Mock Mom, and HuffPost. His first book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is available now. For more, visit his website and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
