“The Florida State Board of Education’s new standards includes controversial language about how ‘slaves developed skills which, in some instances, could be applied for their personal benefit,’ according to a 216-page document about the state’s 2023 standards in social studies, posted by the Florida Department of Education.”
*Florida’s State Academic Standards – Amendments, Social Studies, 2023*
Great Depression – Examine how grown people under the age of ten can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and contribute to capitalism
COVID-19 – Explain how Covid only affected very old, worthless people such as President Joe Biden. Explore how doctors do not always understand biology and it’s each citizen’s right to do their own research and act accordingly as well as amass an arsenal to drive the science home.
Columbine High School ‘Massacre’ – Describe in great detail how libraries are high-risk, unsafe death traps. Students should understand the life-threatening risks of entering them.
World War I – Not necessary to teach – too boring.
World War II – Describe how even broads can find a place in society once learning a marketable skill.
The September 11th Terrorist Attacks: Explain how the liberal sanctuary city of New York is a terrible and dangerous place for commerce. The free state of Florida is much more business-friendly with generous tax breaks. Terrorists love Florida and will never harm it.
The Witches of Salem – Elaborate on how the most malevolent people in the United States are godless spinsters. Instruction includes the love of our Savior Jesus Christ and knitting. The boys may use their knitting needles as weapons but the budding uteresus must produce one pair of baby booties by year’s end.
The 1906 San Francisco Earthquake and Fire: Again, a highlight how liberal sanctuary cities are dangerous and punishable by God. Instead, emphasize how San Francisco is the birthplace of the delicious American staple food, Rice-a-Roni.
Jan. 6 – Analyze how independent, armed tours of famous government buildings can be a fun adventure. Instruction can expand to how ballot machines can easily be compromised by Venezuelans.
The Holocaust – Explore the fabulous opportunity for parents to engage in fun and immersive games with their children. Students are encouraged to watch Roberto Benigni’s Oscar-winning “Life is Beautiful” and only “Life is Beautiful”.
Catholic Church sexual abuse cases – Never happened.
Pearl Harbor – Describe how although Hawaii has been portrayed as a paradise such as in the Disney propaganda documentary Lilo and Stitch, it’s filled with bullseyes only seen by enemies.
Challenger Space Shuttle – Teachers, especially those with gross ladyholes, should not be gallivanting in space but instead teaching history.
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Cara Marino is a freelance writer and TV producer. She has written grocery lists, notes to her husband and cries for help. She once had dinner with Walter Cronkite which she tries to work in every single conversation. It’s like, enough already.