Palm-Reading Performed by Amazon One During Checkout at Whole Foods

“Amazon One uses the information embedded in your palm to create a unique palm signature that it can read each and every time you use it.”  – Amazon

You will never be very rich, powerful or gifted. But becoming a Prime member will give you unimaginable prestige and unparalleled access to anything you could ever want.

Your future is filled with peace and joy interrupted occasionally by minor injuries, life-threatening infectious disease, and, due to your high fat diet, explosive diarrhea. Stay healthy by buying more Whole Food products like non-GMO rice, organic bananas, and gluten-free sparkling water.

Your fate line shows that your life has been prone to many changes, especially at work. Your career path is nearing a dead end. Make a choice: either continue as an irrelevant corporate minion or travel the world, become a household name, and reap endless rewards as an Amazon delivery driver.

Your wavy heart line indicates that you are physically strong, but romantically clueless.No one has ever sustained a relationship on 365Beef Jerky and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Use Amazon Alexa to plan a magical date night and create the most intimate moment with Amazon Music Prime.

Great fortune awaits you. As a prime member, you will experience a huge cash savings, which will simultaneously boost your bank account and inspire more impulsive purchasing on Amazon.

Your head line suggests that your life is boring and lacks adventure. Shop more in Amazon’s Exclusive Toys section and register with Blue Origin for the next trip to space.

Your lifeline suggests low energy. Invest in Whole Foods star energy products that contain things like yerba mate,açai, and crickets. Don’t worry if you’re not familiar with these foreign substances, Alexa will teach you and then order them immediately for same day delivery.

Your long oval palm indicates that you’re reserved, shy, and maybe an introvert. Don’t worry about breaking out of your shell. By analyzing your online preferences, app use, and palm, we already know and share everything about you with everyone. We’re old friends, buddy.

The prominent mound of flesh at the base of your thumb reveals your predisposition for instant gratification. Amazon can help strengthen that admirable trait with instant online buying. As a Prime Member, all you have to do is use 1-Click and the products are on their way.

You don’t have any good luck signs on your palm, but the calluses suggest that you’re a fanatical masturbator. At your current rate, you’ll achieve the fame you’ve always wanted by setting an unbeatable record, which will be printed in the Guinness Book of World Records–a book that you can order in bulk on Amazon to share your achievement with friends, family members, and complete strangers.

Your destiny is based on your Amazon One and Prime memberships. Use them to satisfy your every need, especially on Prime Days.