“Jeff Bezos announces first Bezos Academy, a free preschool for students from low-income families.” – Forbes
8:00 am: Arrival and Morning Activities
Welcome! Today your child begins an exciting new chapter of their life at Bezos Academy. Please don’t forget to clock-in your child upon arrival. Failure to clock-in within three minutes of the start of your child’s shift will result in a meeting with human resources. Parents can drop off their children in front of Warehouse H. We are so excited to get to know you!
8:30 am: Circle Time
At Bezos Academy, we believe nothing is more important than giving your children the early head-start they need to succeed in life. This is why we will start each morning with a story. Stories we will read include: The Tree That Didn’t Give Because It Didn’t Believe in a Welfare State, My First Little Amazon Employee Handbook, How I Started a Business With $300,000 My Parents Gave Me, and So Can You by Jeff Bezos. Any child who falls asleep will be written up.
9:15 am: Outdoor Free Play
We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison. Please dress your child appropriately in a hard-hat and steel-toed boots. Don’t forget to sign the waiver assuring that you will not sue Bezos Academy in the unfortunate event of accidental concussions or more permanent brain and/or emotional trauma.
10 am: Snack Time
We will provide your child with a healthy and nutritious morning snack to ensure they grow strong and tall enough to reach and lift cases of grapefruit LaCroix, rubber tires, and bamboo Squatty Potties. To accomplish this, we will force-feed your child a delicious mixture of Happy Belly Amazon-brand whey protein powder mixed with human growth hormone, neither of which have been approved by the FDA.
10:40 am: Nap Time
Everyone’s favorite time of day! Your children will clock out for no more than 20 minutes, where they can nap on overstock Gaiam yoga mats in the break room that doubles as the room we imprison whistleblowers. Alexa will sing Mozart Brahms Beethoven Calming Lullabies, and then play the calming sounds of thousands of packed boxes traveling down a whirring conveyor belt while an employee whose finger got caught in a forklift screams in agony. Nap time will end with seven minutes of Alexa saying, “I didn’t quite catch that.” So relaxing!
11 am: Academic Lesson
Your child will get a headstart on their peers through the Bezos Academy daily lesson plans. We will teach your child basic timesheets, how to troubleshoot a Kindle, and how to hold your pee for 24 hours. There’s nothing more important than your child knowing that when they grow up they can do anything they want within the confines of an Amazon Fulfillment Center. We encourage parents to supplement their child’s Bezos Academy education by streaming Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
11:45 am: Goodbyes and Pick Up
Your child is ready to clock out and be safely returned to your care. Aftercare hours begin at 12:30 pm, where we will provide children with driving lessons and a CDL certification course so they can start driving themselves home in Amazon vans and drop off a few packages to your neighbors along the way. Please do not forget to provide a sample of your child’s blood for our Amazon genetic testing pilot project. If they have not been picked up by 2:30, your child will be deposited on your front porch via drone.
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Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @bobbien_