Welcome to the Many Seasons of TJ Maxx!

February: love is in the air. It's also in your kitchen, bathroom, and foyer. March: more leprechauns than you will ever need. April: same as March, only with rabbits. And more!

Black Magic Friday's Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!

Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

This Is Not A Vibrator!  Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

Shocking excitement! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

The Online Reviews I’m Endlessly Scrolling to Find

Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!

Offline Dating and Other Things to Try After the Pandemic

So many new things to soon explore! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

CARTOON: Prohibited Produce

Don't even think about it, unless you have a coupon.

The Dystopian Holiday Gift Catalog

Virtual Fam Holographic Family Projector- $575.99 : Not able to see your relatives this holiday? Virtual Fam’s got you covered. Our new holographic projector creates 3D simulations of various family members, ranging from grandparents and godparents to nephews, nieces and in-laws. We make sure to project each individual’s best qualities, while deleting the more troublesome parts of their personalities.

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

When the Internet God created coupon codes. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Quarantine Lewks: What to Wear!

Clothes make the man, and that sure doesn't have to stop just because the world has! Posting some of my favorite outfits I’ve been wearing during the quarantine. Check the links to shop the looks!

Introducing Amazon Prime PreCognition: No-Day Shipping On Stuff You Haven't Even Ordered Yet

Here’s how it works: Our new PreOrder division is staffed by PreCog specialists who know every detail of your past, present and future. We feed their visions into our algorithm and use that predictive technology to time your deliveries with uncanny accuracy.

Please Don’t Ignore Our Brief Survey About Your Customer Care Experience

Dear Valued Customer: We received your request to opt out of our surveys. No worries! Most of our valued customers ask to opt out, often dozens of times. Rest assured, we’re just as bad at processing opt-outs as we are at refunding your money. Thanks! Your friends on the Customer Care Team

What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?

Your New Amazon Prime Member Services

We've totally upgraded the storage amount available with our Amazon Photos service! Load up to three times as many photos, with even more high quality resolution! And if you "accidentally" load some naughty naked photos, it will only be a small, one time fee of $550 to get them back! You're very lucky that we like you.

CARTOON: Niche Economy

So many options, just one thing. Today's cartoon by Ellis Rosen.

CARTOON: Killer Deals

Killer deals. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Car Shopping

Wait til you see the trunk! Honk. Honk. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Letters Smuggled out from the Front Lines of Amazon’s Never-Ending Holiday Sale

How is Anthony? Is he grown? Does he have his first girlfriend yet? I hope the life-size 6ft dummy I sent with my last note was a suitable replacement for my non-attendance at his piano recital. We’re almost to hump day of Cyber Monday Deals Week, and I fear what will follow. I miss you and hold hope to return to see the family for our annual Christmas Celebration on January 14th

Helpful Hints When You Accidentally Make Direct Eye Contact With the Kiosk Mall Employee

Whip out your 7 Sutra Ionic Heat Brushes from your purse and cry, “What more do you people want from me?”. And more.