Is your internet down? Because my internet’s down and since we’re sitting next to each other I figured your internet might be down, too. I just tried going to the 1-800 Mattress website and it didn’t work and then tried the Peter Sarsgaard Reddit group and no luck. Not sure if it’s just my computer or the office wifi. Maybe this is how they fire people.
Hey Jeff, is your internet down? Pete’s is working and Sara says hers is “kind of slow” and Cameron is typing in Excel and doesn’t know if his internet is working. I asked him to check and he didn’t know what website to go to and then said he was busy with Excel anyway and the conversation ended.
It worked? Well that’s everyone in this section. Hmm.
You there boy, is your internet down? Yes you in the street. See if you can get wifi on your phone right now. Our office password is carboardconsultant1978. Because we make cardboard. Because that’s when we were founded. No? Maybe you’re too far away from the building. Come a little a closer and then check and I will give you a dollar. No I don’t want you to create a wifi hotspot and stand next to the building all day for a $100. That’s ridiculous.
You believe that kid? He said “Fuck boxes” and took off.
I feel so alone right now. The rest of you are just going ahead and working like there’s no problem, like one of your coworkers isn’t totally without internet. You really find out who your friends are when your internet’s down. I feel like a wounded buffalo that the herd is moving away from so I don’t weaken the group. You all just want me to go crawl under a thicket of cardboard and die alone. Well I won’t do that. Just because I don’t have wifi doesn’t mean I’m not a human being.
If I’m not wanted here I’ll just go ask people on the other floors if they have internet. Eight people doesn’t really constitute a scientific study anyway. This thing could be company-wide. Think of how much we could be losing in cardboard revenue. Some people stand by and let the internet go down and others stand up and do something about it.
I’ll be right back. Does anyone want to come with me? We could cover more ground that way. Thanks Jeff!
Ok I’m back and got some valuable reconnaissance but not from Jeff because he only went to the bathroom and didn’t help. Here’s what we know: Floors two and three have internet and floor four cuts out now and then though it’s generally working, they said. Floor five is empty because it’s Susan’s birthday and they’re in the breakroom celebrating. I asked about the wifi but they were eating cake and just stared at me. I tried using one of their empty computers and the screens were locked.
So there it is. Not sure what to do with this information and to be honest the trip feels like a waste since I didn’t even get cake. It was chocolate. Yes there was still some left.
Wait! It’s trying to reconnect. I think we may have something here. Ok, ok, so now I just need to try my browser. I’m nervous. Not sure if I should go to a new website or click refresh. In times like this it feels like where you go somehow determines if your internet’s going to work, you know? I’ll try going to that blog about hummingbirds that I like.
Goddammit this is such crap! Can’t even work or read about hummingbirds. Tell Carol that I’m not going to work for a stupid company that can’t provide a man basic internet and I’ll be at home using the functioning internet to find another job.
Hold on it’s working, how about that. No that was longer than five minutes, Jeff. Fuck off. I hope your internet goes down forever.
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Chason Gordon is a writer whose work has appeared in Slate, Vice, Paste Magazine, and The Globe and Mail, among others. He currently lives in Seattle, but is on a month-to-month lease. You can find less of him on Twitter @chasongordon.