Pour Out Your Pour Over: Craft Cocaine is the New Home Brew, You F*cking Narc

Are you sick of the old trends? Has the coffee and beer homebrew culture got you down? Is Arabica just not hitting you the same? Have IPAs become lackluster? Sick of sudsy, sloppy, superiority-complex ridden brewfests? Is standing in a wet, hot kitchen pouring scalding water over ground beans or plucked hops making your Toms soggy? Do you need a new trend to distract from your independent coffeehouse brewpub failing to get its liquor license? Do you want to quit being a fucking narc and do some real shit?

 

Welcome to Personal Pow(d)er, where we prioritize the purest, pristine powder cut with any cocktail of concoction you’d care for. Customizing powder gives you the power to stop being a fucking narc and embrace the ‘d.’

 

It’s not your problem that you got drunk and tried to smoke hops last night. It’s not even your fault that freebasing grounds doesn’t get you lit. You just need something better. You deserve better. You may have gotten that BUI on your fixie, but you would have out-pedaled those fucking narcs if you had your own Personal Pow(d)er.

 

So stop being a fucking narc and hop on the craft cocaine train.

 

It’s just what the doctor ordered: craft cocaine is all physiological benefits, no calories. Coffee has 1 calorie if you drink it black, but everyone knows you don’t drink it black, you fat fucking narc.

 

Are you sick of switching between two different beverages to wake up and to get fucked up? Are you looking for a one stop shop when it comes to alarming alertness, excruciating excess, and garish gusto? Do you want blazing sharp focus coupled with a numbness to all barriers: mental, physical, or logical?

 

We might be in an opioid epidemic and a crack crack-down, but this isn’t your daddy’s barbiturate or your mom’s benzodiazepine: this is craft cocaine, hand carved with an old baseball card for your own personal olfactory organ orgasm.

 

“Oh,” you may say, “what makes craft cocaine different than regular cocaine?”

 

Well, I’m glad you asked. Craft cocaine is regular cocaine cut to your individual specifications—here at Personal Pow(d)er, we optimize everything for your body chemistry. Need something a little less intense? Cut it with some of our finest baby powder. Need something that runs through your system quickly? Methamphetamines are right over here.

 

“That sounds illegal,” I may hear you say like a fucking narc.

 

To which I’d reply, “Homebrewing used to be illegal. Don’t be a fucking narc. I like to cut mine with a downer to keep my body loose but my mind sharp.”

 

“Isn’t that super dangerous?” you probably respond like the fucking narc you are.

 

“Get this narc the fuck out of here,” I’d order two of my coworkers who have probably been gumming craft cocaine behind me for the past twenty minutes.

 

If there’s one rule at Personal Pow(d)er, it’s no fucking narcs, you fucking narc.