Things I’ve Done On Ambien That Aren’t Racist

“Guys, I did something unforgivable so do not defend me. It was 2 in the morning and I was Ambien tweeting-it was memorial day too-i went 2 far…” –Roseanne Barr


Ate an entire loaf of sourdough

Tried to give myself a back massage

Burned all my ankle socks

Emailed my ex a picture of us at Disneyland with the subject line “U miss dis?”

Facetimed my boss and sang “How You Remind Me” by Nickelback

Peed in a shoebox

Peed in a moving box

Performed a DIY blood test

Called the police to report a dream about a giant snail

Drank a bottle of moisturizer

Took all the ice cream out of the freezer and moved it to the driveway

Walked to a 7-Eleven, poured a Big Gulp and paid with a clump of my hair

Completed the New York Times Sunday crossword using only nicknames I’ve given to landlords over the years

Drew a portrait of Erykah Badu on my roommate’s one piece of expensive art

Plucked out my eyelashes one by one

Donated my life savings to the ACLU