Questionable Artist Residencies

Are you a little too desperate to get a break from the stress of everyday life and focus fully on your 700-page erotica for cats masterpiece or your play that features a cast of all babies? Focus on your “art” with these extremely noncompetitive programs aimed at artists who have gotten rejected from every prestigious, semi-prestigious, and legit scam program out there! (Note: We are not responsible for any harm or identity theft that occurs during these highly questionable artist residencies.)

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Hanging with my Cat Tipsy Residency

Live in my house for two days in Michigan-I’m going on a trip…to do some stuff(pls don’t ask for details.) You can hang with my orange cat Tipsy and also work on your novel or whatever. To apply send $100 bucks and a 10-page essay on your artistic goals and why you are interested in this residency.

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Men On a Boat Residency

I will be taking a group of 5 artists to go sail on my boat for a full year to escape paying rent, rejection letters and our annoying wives. I am looking for some less skilled artists to sail the boat so we can drink and focus on man bonding. Don’t be too needy or seasick prone. To apply send a CV of previous boat sailing experience and a 1-page statement about your art work and how it’s boat friendly.

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Chipotle Residency

We here at Chipotle are officially looking for an artist in residence. The program involves your working at Chipotle full time with no pay or benefits, but you have an artist studio to use for up to 15 minutes a day. During this prestigious five-year fellowship, you will be required to create at least 10 works of art dedicated or inspired by the magic that is Chipotle and Mexican-ish food. We will then put these art works up in various franchises. To apply send in a resume with restaurant experience, a 7 page long artistic statement and 10 images of your work. Note: we’d especially like to pick a woman or person of color because that will make us look really good.

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Romantically Geared Residency

I am really single right now and need someone to live in my house who will also date me. There will be plenty of time to work on your short stories or paintings or whatever because I will provide for groceries, living expenses etc. Requirements include: date night every Sunday, letting me tell people we’re in a relationship and singing “Shake it Off” by Taylor Swift to me when I get sad(which is usually ever 20 minutes or so.) To apply send at least 10 pics(of you, not your work) and an artist statement that includes your artistic influences, work descriptions and previous dating history.

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Ghost Writer Residency

Hi I’m recently out of jail and slightly famous. Looking for an experienced (at least 20 books written) ghost writer to write my memoir which will include deets from my party days, the stupid reason I was arrested and also some great tips for how to commit crimes and getting away with it. No pay, but you can hang with my crew. To apply send $10,000 and a writing sample. Note-this isn’t scam