Originals
Some More Sus Guidance From the CDC – We’re beginning to think they’re not taking things seriously
The CDC recommends you answer their “u up?” text. The CDC says add them on Snap. The CDC says they get so lonely sometimes.
Entries by Catherine Weingarten
Best Of 2021
Is Your Writing Career Fledgling, Emerging or Buried Under Ground Like a Lost Treasure?
If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.
Originals
7 Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumes
Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.
Originals
Horoscopes For the Quarantined
Scorpio: Your libido right now is high, which is offensive because people are suffering around you. Go watch Catholic TV to cleanse yourself. If you’re still feeling randy, ironically sext with someone from Hinge, but don’t get too alarmed if he asks you to move in after twenty minutes — online dating is weird now.
Originals
Affirmations Written By Your Dad
You create value in other people’s lives and debt in mine. You are the architect of your own life, but not a real architect like your brother. Did he tell you about his promotion? And more.
Best of 2020
If Shakespeare Characters Had Podcasts
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Stabby: Hi, we’re high school #powercouple Romeo and Juliet, and we bite our thumbs at your tacky wedding. Check out our weekly podcast where we answer all your most common wedding questions regarding: venue, music, difficult in-laws, and ways to prevent a dramatic accidental suicide over your way too intense love before the big day! Sponsored by ChristianMingle.com.
Originals
QUIZ: Real Friend or Bachelor Producer?
When you start crying because your boyfriend just dumped you, your friend: A) Comforts you and gives you an obese carton of Ben and Jerry’s banana flavored ice-cream OR B) Locks you in a room for the next five hours and asks extensive questions about how the breakup happened, how it made you feel and whether you think you’ll ever find love again while holding a big camera and videotaping the whole thing.
Originals
Questionable Artist Residencies
We here at Chipotle are officially looking for an artist in residence. The program involves your working at Chipotle full time with no pay or benefits, but you have an artist studio to use for up to 15 minutes a day.
