Stuff I Carry in the Gaps Between My Boobs and My Ill-Fitting Bras


Five packs of fun-size Skittles in the right gap and four in the left gap.


Voluptuous Padding

In case I suddenly trip over and am too slow to catch my fall.

Whoopie Cushions

In case I suddenly trip over and am also in the mood for a good chuckle.

Steel Nails facing outward

To defend against nasty, groping hands trying to take my snacks.

Bluetooth speakers

A drop-proof alternative to air pods. Also, they pleasantly tickle. 

Loved Ones

My leopard gecko, Corona, in my right gap and chirping crickets in my left gap for when she gets hungry.

Metal Straws

To appear environmentally woke, but also in case of unexpected water submersion. Keep one end of the straw firmly in your gap and place the other end in your mouth. Breathe normally. The bra may not inflate, but oxygen is flowing.

Garlic cloves

To ward off vampires trying to suck my snacks.

Incubating Chicken Eggs

Because my gaps offer the optimal temperature and Corona won’t live forever.


Growing Piles of Cash

From all the money I saved by backing out of that boob job two years ago. The interest compounds daily. I spend my massive wealth on installing a third bra gap for additional storage and to diversify my assets.