Stuff I Carry in the Gaps Between My Boobs and My Ill-Fitting Bras
Five packs of fun-size Skittles in the right gap and four in the left gap.
In case I suddenly trip over and am too slow to catch my fall.
In case I suddenly trip over and am also in the mood for a good chuckle.
Steel Nails facing outward
To defend against nasty, groping hands trying to take my snacks.
A drop-proof alternative to air pods. Also, they pleasantly tickle.
My leopard gecko, Corona, in my right gap and chirping crickets in my left gap for when she gets hungry.
To appear environmentally woke, but also in case of unexpected water submersion. Keep one end of the straw firmly in your gap and place the other end in your mouth. Breathe normally. The bra may not inflate, but oxygen is flowing.
To ward off vampires trying to suck my snacks.
Incubating Chicken Eggs
Because my gaps offer the optimal temperature and Corona won’t live forever.
Growing Piles of Cash
From all the money I saved by backing out of that boob job two years ago. The interest compounds daily. I spend my massive wealth on installing a third bra gap for additional storage and to diversify my assets.
Claire Tadokoro is a writer from Kansas City living in New York. She works in publishing for Simon & Schuster and is basically paid to read books. She studied satirical writing through the Second City. Follow her on Twitter @ClaireTadokoro