Reasons I’m Still Wearing A Mask (That Have Nothing to Do With Secretly Being a Crocodile)

It’s been a few weeks since the CDC lifted its mask guidelines and I, the esteemed Dr. Human Notacroc, feel I must voice my dissent! Already I am seeing droves of maskless people and I fear someday soon I will be all alone in my stalwart masking. I wear a mask to protect others—not to obscure a hypothetical snout full of sharp teeth that I might, hypothetically, have and might, hypothetically, intend to eat you with. My sole motivation is the safety of my fellow humans. I bid you too remain masked for the following reasons:

 

• No vaccine is 100% effective. No matter how small the chance of infection is, you have to be careful. Think about it this way: crocodiles only kill 0.5 people every year, but you still wouldn’t go swimming with one, would you? No, it’s much safer to stay here, on land, where there aren’t any crocodiles, have never been any crocodiles, and will never be any crocodiles. So wear your mask, stay out of the water, and maybe come over for tea sometime next week? No, don’t invite anyone else, come alone. When I send you my address, don’t be alarmed if it seems to be in the middle of a swamp. Just drive out to the bayou, walk a few meters away from your car, and I’ll come out to meet you.

 

• It will ruin my outfits. If nothing else, think of the fashions. My typical look is an oversized trench coat that covers my entire body neck to claw—I mean foot. That leaves no room for accessorizing anywhere but the head! A mask and a large wide-brimmed hat are the perfect addition to the ensemble. Sure, this conceals all of my facial features, but that has nothing to do with obscuring the rough green scales that I don’t We’ve all spent the past year incorporating masks into our wardrobe, are we really ready to give that all up? Even if you don’t use a mask to hide your snout, scales, and beady eyes, are you really ready for the world to see your entire face again? But I will be seeing you for tea, right? Don’t tell anyone else that you’re coming.

 

• There are variants. It feels like every day a new variant is popping up, and we can’t be sure the vaccine is effective against them. Variation is the spice of life, but I’ll stick to regular spices thank you very much! Speaking of spices, could you maybe eat some cinnamon every day for a week before our tea party? No particular reason, I just really enjoy the taste. Not that I’ll be tasting you. No, I am not salivating at the thought of a human cinnamon roll. This is a normal amount of saliva for a human to have.

 

• Virtue signaling. It’s important you wear a mask to let other people know you care about their safety! When I see someone maskless, I think “wow, I don’t want that person anywhere near my mouth.” Not that I want you near my mouth either, I’m speaking purely hypothetically here. But a maskless face has become unappetizing—of course, not meant in the literal sense, I’ve never eaten anyone’s face—in the public consciousness. So keep your mask on solely so people know you’re a good person (not as in a good person to eat, but a good person in general, I don’t know why we keep bringing up eating! I’ve already had my three meals for the week).

 

I hope I’ve managed to change your heart, or at the very least, your mind. I, for one, will continue wearing a mask, maybe forever, and I hope you do as well. It would be kinda weird if I was the only one wearing a mask right? People might start wondering, and might look a little too close at what’s beneath.

 

But that’s neither here nor there! What is here, or at least will be here soon, is you, over to my place, for tea! I’ll be serving my famous ‘death rolls.’ No, don’t worry, the name is just a funny joke and does not literally refer to a crocodile’s predatory habits. I don’t even know much about crocodiles after all. I’m a human doctor scientist who serves human tea to his fellow humans. I can’t wait to have you over!