Reasons It’s Still Okay To Drink Lots And Lots Of Booze

Some smarty-pants scientific types recently unveiled to the world the fact that alcohol, in any amount, isn’t good for you. What a slap in the face! But don’t despair. We got really drunk and came up with a few of these…

Reasons That It’s Still Okay To Drink Lots And Lots Of Booze

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Drinking is all about making bad decisions, so why not make that first bad decision while you’re still sober?

 

For years they’ve been saying that there are positive side effects to drinking. And now that you’re addicted, they’re going to change their mind? Screw that noise. A stubborn refusal to accept the facts will do you well in this case.

 

If you seriously up your alcohol intake, you’ll probably forget these new facts in no time.

 

This suspiciously upsetting news probably came from Russian spam-bots or something. Power to the people!! And to the Russians: Shame on you! You invented vodka; you’re better than this.

 

If making a video of myself with a can of Pledge half-way up my bottom, and then posting it on YouTube, didn’t stop me from drinking, then this news doesn’t stand a chance.

 

If people stop drinking, then places like Taco Bell and Jack In The Box will probably quickly go out of business. It’s unlikely that our already fragile economy could withstand such a blow.

 

If you’re nice and wasted, you’ll be blessedly numb as your soft human flesh is torn asunder during the upcoming robot apocalypse.