Rejected Candy Slogans
Toblerone: Chocolate. For neutral people.
3 Musketeers: Do you like big hats?
Smarties: Candy for dummies.
Airheads: Candy for smarties.
Mr. Goodbar: The alternative is worse.
Whatchamacallit: A shenanigan wrapped in a kerfuffle.
Snickers: Do you love the smell of nougat in the morning?
Eat-More: Just peel and stick.
Nestle Crunch: Like a squish with a backbone.
Pop Rocks: All of the sizzle, none of the steak.
Cadbury Flake: You are what you eat.
Hershey’s Kisses: Ready in 5 minutes.
Aero: Chocolate-covered nothing.
Good & Plenty:Maybe &Probably.
Fun Dip: Loosen your tie.
Mackintosh’s Toffee: We were trying to make fudge and this happened.
Laffy Taffy: How tight are your fillings?
Baby Ruth: Baby Sporty (Ginger, Scary, Posh).
Mr. Big: Warts and all.
Hubba Bubba: Yabba-Dabba-Bubbles
Clark Bar: Breakfast of bachelors.
Caramello: If you cut it, it’ll ooze.
Yoghurt Chips: It will if you hit it hard enough.
Double Bubble: When one isn’t enough.
Skittles: Stays crunchy in gravy.
Fruit Roll-ups: Slide into most ATMs.
Starburst: Red 40 never tasted so good.
Reese’s Pieces: Peanut butter shrapnel.
Butterfinger: Cry ‘Butter!’ and let slip the fingers of war.
Gummy Worms: For gummy people.
Gummy Bears: Oven safe.
M&M’s: Scrabble expansion pack.
Tootsie Pop: Lasts longer than most sex.
Jelly Babies: Now 42% less unsightly.
Swedish Fish: No assembly required.
Jawbreakers: The nuclear option for food fights.
Peeps: Ant bait.
Werther’s Originals: 10% better than Werther’s Knock-Offs.
Kit Kat: Conceivable!
Oh Henry: Enjoy it. From both ends.
Milkybar: The other white chocolate.
Twix: The monogamous treat.
Thrills Gum: Try it again. This time you might like it.
Cadbury Creme Egg: Celebrate the Resurrection.
Pez: It’s not sperm.
Milk Duds: Form a tight adhesive bond in 3 seconds.
Nerds: If we called them merdes, the French wouldn’t eat them.
Tootsie Roll: Try it with butter.
Candy Corn:Looks like earwax. Tastes like sunshine.
Maltesers: Because Darwin was right.
Sarah Totton is a one-time honoree of the 2019 Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest and a two-time dishonoree of the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest (2008 & 2019). Her humor pieces have appeared at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Points in Case, and Slackjaw, among others.