CEO, Faust & Furious Ad Agency
1158 Rivers Bend Lane
Orphchank, CA 90527
Dear Mr. Champlin,
First off, thank you so much to you and your team for tending to the advertising needs of Grams’ Jams. We are a small, niche company, and we appreciate the attention to detail that your company has provided us. Sending us the package of advertising materials was a very nice touch. We have just watched your video pitch, and have a few comments:
* We mentioned to you initially that we are an esoteric jams and jellies company, ie most likely appealing to those who have a very specific and already nurtured interest in jams and jellies. Is it perhaps possible that you misunderstood, and believed that we had instead said “erotic”?
* To further reiterate and elaborate on the above point, we are in fact not an erotic jams and jellies company. And so slogans such as “Warm And Juicy, Just Like Gram Gram Used To Make”, and “Meant For Swallowing” would be inappropriate for our brand, and the clientele that we hope to attract.
* Which leads me to, “Once You Go Blackberry, You Won’t Go Backberry.”? That’s just inappropriate and racist, and not in the least bit erotic (operating under the assumption that you believed us to be an erotic jams and jellies company). Perhaps this was an attempt to be edgy? And to be honest, I don’t believe that backberry is even a word (unless it’s some sort of slang term?). Again, aimed at the wrong audience, I’m afraid.
* The idea of marketing our product in a line of jars shaped like the Gram of Gram’s Jams in indeed inspired. However, having our product dispensed from the vagina-area of the Gram bottle is, obviously, not something that we have any interest in. Thank you much for going to the trouble, however.
Obviously your presentation, while very professional, was quite a shock to our patriarch and namesake, who shortly thereafter suffered several strokes, and is now lies in a medically induced coma. If she survives, we may possibly be interested in hearing your less controversial ideas. And if not, we the beneficiaries of her will and company are more than likely going to be contacting you about reintroducing some of these more erotic ideas.
All my best,
VP, Grams’ Jams
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence