Santa’s Letters to Celebrities as Children

Hi Anthony,

Thanks for the nice letter!    But as I’ve said time and time again, please refrain from sending Mrs. Claus the Polaroid photos of your genitalia.    That sort of thing is very inappropriate, and could very easily tip you over into “naughty list” territory.

Keep it in your pants, son.



Hi Kim,

I appreciate the letter and the offer (I guess?), but what you have there is a photo of you sitting on my lap, telling me what you’d like for Christmas, at your parents’ Christmas party.   Not a sex tape.   And no, I have no interest in you “leaking it” onto the internet.    I’m sure that your heart is in the right place, but I need neither the publicity nor the money that you suggest such an item might generate.

I fear that both you and your sisters might be going down a bad path.

Thanks anyway, and honestly, please examine your life before writing me again.



Hi there Bruce,

As always, your letters are a true pleasure; thanks for taking the time.    Your secret is safe with me, of course, and I’m happy to pack the Barbie Dolls and Teen Dream Make-Up Kit into a Batman Action Set container.    But I’m afraid that I’m going to have to refrain from bringing you the Jr. Surgeon Kit.    While it is technically a toy, I’m afraid that you still might hurt yourself.

Just be patient, things will turn out alright.



Hi there Rihanna,First of all, what a pretty name!    Thanks for all of the sweet letters!   You’ve been a really good girl this year, and will be getting lots of great stuff.

The main reason I’m writing, though, is to again apologize for last Christmas Eve.    My helper elf and I just honestly didn’t see that you were peeking around the corner, trying to get a look at Santa! My elf turned around to reach for your stocking, you were suddenly there, and it just really startled him.  These little guys are quite anxious, and his instinct was to take a swing as you.  I honestly and profusely apologize, and hope that the swelling had gone down by the time your family needed to take Christmas photos the next day.

It won’t happen again!   I promise!



Okay Dwayne…

“The Rock”, eh?   Alright, whatever.   Well guess what?    This year, The Rock is going to meet The Coal.  Santa doesn’t like to swear, but you’ve been a real asshole this year.



Dear Mr. Pence,Sorry for the formality, but I only use first names with my friends.

I have to believe that you mean well, and that you’re not a bad person.    But as of right now, I don’t know what else to think.    According to your letters, you believe that my bright, colorful attire causes you to suspect that I may be a homosexual?    And because of this, you’re reserving your right to not serve me milk and cookies when I stop by your house on Christmas Eve?    Well, please allow me to allay your fears:   I won’t be stopping by your house this year.    In fact, on Christmas morning, you might want to check your roof for reindeer poop.

Consider yourself Naughty-Listed,



Okay Kanye, here’s the deal.

Last year, I backed the coal truck up to your house.   And that still didn’t do the trick.

This year, I’m returning all of your letters in a bundle, unopened and unread.

Do not contact me again.   Please don’t make me have to get a restraining order, because I will.   Just ask that little Michael Jackson freak.

Fuck off,



Hey there Matt,

I have to be honest, you’ve never been my favorite kid.    No offense, but you’re just kind of creepy.    You remind me of the weasel sidekick character to the main villain in these kids’ movies that the elves are always forcing me to sit through.     Equally creepy is your Christmas wish to have a hidden button that locks your clubhouse door installed in a spot known only to you.     And while I’m all for equal rights, your clubhouse’s sign of  “Girls Allowed, Please Come In!” should be taken down immediately, lest I become forced to alert the proper authorities.

Please remove me from your mailing list,




Dear Kevin,

Thanks much for your wish list.  Being that I’m a progressive fellow, the baby dolls are no problem.  But as for dressing them in suggestive leather outfits, I’ll have to leave that to you.   And I’ll of course need to suggest to Mr and Mrs Spacey that they get you into counseling asap.
Try to reign it in kid,
Dear Kim Jung,
Your letter tugged at my heart strings, I won’t lie.  But making you taller… I’m afraid that my abilities have limitations.  And when a family line has been as tainted with inbreeding as yours has… well, you kind of just have to deal with the hand that you’ve been dealt.  Just do your best to take all of that anger, hatred and limited intellect, and try to turn it into something that you can shoot towards the stars.
And have them ease up on the palace’s security on Christmas Eve, would you?