Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy

Basic Notification: Thank you for your email. I’m currently out of the office until January 20th, 2029. I will respond to your query as soon as I can upon my return.

Thanks,

Democracy

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Unavailable/Not Checking Email: Greetings and thank you for your email! Despite not being the problem, I’m in court mandated civics training for the foreseeable future with absolutely no access to email. I’ll respond as soon as possible upon my return, if I return.

Sincerely,

Democracy

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Redirecting Urgent Inquiries: I’m currently away from the office until January 20th, 2029 and will respond to your email when I return. If you have an urgent request, please contact Elon Musk at highjumper@.com, or call our main switchboard for assistance.

This out of office message has been brought to you by Tesla: Drive the future.

Best,

Democracy

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Extended Medical Leave: Thank you for your email. I’m on medical leave until January 20th, 2029, as I recover from my second lobotomy in eight years. Please note, your email has been automatically forwarded to an inbox that is not monitored by any form of democratic government.

Take care,

Democracy

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Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence.

Thanks, Democracy

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Temporary Closure: Thank you for your message. Our offices are closed for the holidays and every other day from January 20th, 2025 – January 20th, 2029 while we decide what kind of country we want to be. We look forward to assisting you in the new administration, assuming we are allowed to have one.

Peace Out!

Democracy

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Extreme Circumstances: I’m drunk as hell and not working anymore. Enjoy Googling “What actually is a tariff,” as you spend $18 on a carton of eggs.

-Democracy