Are you getting another call right now? That’s me, hitting you up on Microsoft Teams. If we talk on Teams and the phone at the same time, we can do a post-mortem on this follow-up call while I prioritize the tasks for the email I’ll send you later that we’re following up on now. That way we won’t have to circle back later and rehash things we haven’t talked about yet. Nobody ever died from too much multitasking, am I right?
One second. I’m rescinding the calendar invite for our Teams meeting but don’t exit the meeting. If we simultaneously attend and don’t attend the meeting, we’ll save even more time. Productivity is the name of the game, and in this game I’m Lebron James from Space Jam: A New Legacy. You saw it, right? Best movie of 2021, hands down.
Have you checked out the attachments I sent along with the Teams invite? One is a PDF of my self-published ebook The Epitome of Efficiency (have you finished it yet?), one is a link to my podcast series Profitable Productivity (all 48 episodes are behind a paywall and have you listened to them yet?), and one is an EXE file. Don’t worry, it’s only an app that recursively opens and closes itself in a never-ending orgy of spinning pinwheels to constantly verify the integrity of your OS. These are all actionable items you should have handled before you even knew we would have this impromptu call, but I understand if it’s hard to keep up sometimes.
Ok, I lied. That EXE file also deleted all your web browsers. I didn’t want you to be tempted to mindlessly surf the web during our brief touch base meeting. Is that a knock at your door? Good. I sent some Uber Eats your way so you wouldn’t get distracted by hunger pains. Spoiler alert: it’s a Burger King Big Fish sandwich. No fries.
That EXE file also installed a hacked version of Zoom that automatically joins the meetings I invite you to regardless of your availability, like this one coming at you right now. Zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom! I know we’re already talking on Teams and the phone at the same time but it’s urgent that we cover our bases and keep the lines of communication open.
Great, now we’re all set up on Teams, Zoom, and our phones. The Holy Trifecta! Can you turn your camera off? I’m worried our synchronous multi-level meeting may tear open unforeseen rifts in our four-dimensional continuum and plunge us into some sort of infinite cosmic labyrinth, so it’s probably best not to look at each other while we chat (plus I can’t stand watching you eat that fish sandwich).
Ok, once I add you to this Slack channel I just created, we’ll be all set up and ready to get started following up on the email I’m going to you later. Simply press accept and then—
Oh, wow. My skin is bristling with an unfamiliar awareness. Am I floating? I must have found favor with the efficiency gods. I am being summoned. I can feel my spirit detaching from its mortal anchor. The totality of mankind’s collected knowledge is at my mind’s fingertips. Nothing is beyond my reach.
So what did you want to talk to me about? Nevermind. It doesn’t matter. I no longer have physical needs. I am completely fulfilled and exalted in a domain of pure light that devours all that which is wasteful and unproductive. Your measly workplace affairs matter not in The Great Beyond.
But hey, someone needs to take care of my workload while I’m gone, so I’ll just have all my messages forwarded your way. You don’t mind, do you? I’ll put in a good word for you up here.
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Andy Spain is a video editor and motion graphics designer living in Durham, NC with his wife and 4 kids. Or is it 5? His humor writing has appeared in McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, and Little Old Lady. Find him on Twitter @citizenspain