Honest Drafts of My Goodbye Email

Subject: It’s been real — bad!

Adios, idiots!


Subject: Open for a surprise

Dearest nemeses,


Subject: (none)

Hey losers!


I hate this job — and you! (But only because of how much I hate this job.) It ruined all of us! (But some of you were pretty bad to begin with.) This place is a circle of hell disguised as an office!


Subject: Outta here!

Hey fam!


I’m out of here! This job blew chunks and I honestly would’ve said yes to anything else, except any of your dump jobs, which I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing anyway.


Subject: ✌

Hey fam!


It pains me to announce that I’ve accepted another gig that, thank God, is better. Or maybe it’s not but I. HAVE. TO. LEAVE. THIS. PLACE. It’s almost like getting poorly paid to be in what felt like Adult Timeout™️ was somehow not worth the stress and repeated hits to my mental health. Almost.


The corporate culture here made me feel so othered I had to go back to therapy. Someone should’ve paid for that! But that would’ve required employer-sponsored health insurance and we all know how illegally-structured this team is. “Full-time freelance” is an oxymoron. I had to be here for 40 hours a week to do 10 hours of work and be grateful about it? Kiss my

Subject: 🖕

Hey fam!


Just wanted to say thanks — for absolutely nothing! Kidding! No, I’m not! We all know I’m the “personality” around here! So, sorry you’re gonna have to develop your own now that this dancing monkey is moving on! You can absolutely go f


Subject: (none)

Fam! Hey!


Today’s my last day (finally). This was a really fun gig (not). It’d be lovely to keep in touch (even though I dodged your Slack messages every day).


Good (riddance) luck!


Subject: Some personal news

Good morning!


As of today, I will no longer be doing my job here. Or Mike’s or Pete’s or even Crystal’s, am I right? You all relied on me so heavily that it broke me! For exactly half of what I asked for in salary, zero other benefits, and a birthday cake I had to pay for myself — what a steal!


Who will I miss the most? The guy I buy my coffee from three blocks away. He asked me more about myself than anyone else on this team. How absolutely dare you


Subject: Bon voyage 🏍

Suck muffler, you cogs!


Subject: Goodbye! 👋

Hey team!


Keeping this short and sweet: today is my last day. I’m thankful to have had the opportunity to work with all of you. Best of luck to you all and let’s keep in touch!