Shocking Twists Recalibrated For Cardiac Patients
“The Sixth Sense” – In the last five minutes, it’s revealed that throughout the entire movie, Bruce Willis was also the guy from “Die Hard.”
“Get Out” – Turns out the entire white family is secretly conspiring to lure in young African-American men for the sole purpose of guiltily asking, “What Black people think about” various items in the news.
“Citizen Kane” – “ROSE…BUD…” was what, as a boy (and also as a teenager and man young and old) Charles Foster Kane used to call the not-yet- unfurled roses in his garden.
“Game of Thrones” – Hear ye! Hear ye ! The true and lasting monarch of Westeros is… currently being determined via an exhaustive online application process.
“The Avengers: Infinity War” – Ignore everything you’ve heard: Thanos is actually a blues giant whose “Snap” is him finding the beat again, after a quiet two-and-a-half-hours of musical introspection.
“The Usual Suspects” – Keyser Soze turns out to be a near-mythical figure, famous for always being late.
“The Empire Strikes Back” – Who can forget those iconic words from Darth Vader: “Luke… I have been like a father to you, thanks to the hardworking folks at Big Brothers International….”
“Fight Club” – Brad Pitt and Ed Norton turn out to be the same person – when it comes to their taste in room décor. The real first rule of Fight Club? “Do not talk about where you got that adorable area rug!”
“The Avengers: Endgame” – Maybe if you have a heart condition, you might want to avoid these?
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Rob Kutner has written for The Daily Show, CONAN, and is the author of “Snot Goblins & Other Tasteless Tales” and the Ant-Man ‘memoir’ “Look Out For the Little Guy.” More of his drivel at www.robkutner.com
