Failed Star Wars Merchandising Tie-Ins
The release of a new Star Wars movie means the release of a wave of merchandising tie-ins. But, for every exciting light-up Coca-Cola bottle or R2D2 Mini Cocotte, there are products that just didn’t take off, were canceled, or were just bad ideas, to begin with.
KFC’s Tatooine Black
“Just like your Aunt Beru used to make!”
Androgel Low-T(ico) Count Special Rose Colored Edition
Engineered for internet trolls who attack female actors on social media.
Solo Official Name Changing Identity Kit*
“Enter facts about yourself to get your own ironic surname!”
*Includes official government forms for 49 state**.
**No forms needed in Florida.
Huggies Anakin Skywalker Transition Diapers
For the toddler that doesn’t want to be viewed as a crying baby, but still has occasional bouts with the Dark Side.
Mandalorian Plush “The Client” Doll
A plush Werner Herzog that is sure to be the Disney+ show’s breakout cuddly hit!
Weber Imperial Probe Droid Grill
(Recalled after several explosions even when not hit that hard.)
23 and Mi-dichlorians
Poke yourself and send in a blood sample to find out if you have a father or were a virgin birth!
Finn and Poe Hallmark Christmas Movie
(Cancelled by One Million Moms)
Mustafar Edition Lava Rock from Home Depot
Decorate your garden and feed the wildlife with our traditional lava rock tossed with crispy chicken skin.
Hasbro Black Series Constable Zuvio Action Figure! (#09)
“Recreate the deleted scene you won’t see until the home video release with this barely glimpsed background character!”
Nike Rogue Air Force Ones
Be like Jyn Erso and take a knee to the Imperial Flag! #JustRebel
Home Memorial Carbon Freezing Unit
“The best way to remember and display your household pets when they pass.”*
*Needs 220 Volt plug.
Erik Sternberger started his career designing toys for DC Comics studied sketch writing and improv at the legendary Second City Chicago and his production company “Apathetic Revolutionary” creates comedy shorts and original scripts that have won awards at film festivals and contests around the country. Erik occasionally stands behind famous people in major motion pictures, creates original screenplays, and writes satire for various publications. Dogs seem to like him.