Signs That You’re At A Terrible New Year’s Eve Party
Your mom makes you go to bed right after it turns midnight.
The party consists of a bunch of alcoholics drinking sparkling grape juice and playing board games, meanwhile you haven’t even earned your six month chip yet and were hoping to fall off the wagon and make a series of escalating bad choices.
There are no lips to kiss at midnight, as you’ve chosen to have your party in the burn ward of your local hospital.
The queso has a thin glaze of hardened rubbery cheese over it’s surface, as does your date for the evening.
People are allowed to bring kids to the party, which is being held at Roy Moore’s home.
There’s only one bathroom, and it’s being used by someone’s grandpa to take a bath.
When you yell out “Happy New Year!!”, it seems to really startle and irritate the guy mopping the floor at Burger King.
It’s one of those underground fight club type of deals, which means that the snacks are all sub-par, and no one wants to kiss at midnight, as their faces are all puffy and sore.
It costs $20 to get into the party, and then $40 to get out (Matt Lauer’s party only).
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
