So, You’re a Scarecrow Looking to Change Professions
Look, I get it; you took a job in your early 20s because the pay was decent and your options were limited. The hours were long, and the start was a bit early, but at least you’d get to spend plenty of time outside. Fast forward to today: you’ve spent 15 years as the scarecrow for a mid-size, family-owned wheat ranch, and you’re ready for a career change.
The question is: how?
Whether you’ve been at your job for 15 years or 15 minutes, a drastic career change takes time to execute; and that’s perfectly fine, because you don’t have many hobbies or responsibilities, on account of being a scarecrow.
There’s no need to stress. Be sure to take your time in examining what actually makes you happy; the changing of the seasons, agricultural science, supporting small businesses. Be sure to highlight both what you do well (scaring crows) and the factors where you need improvement (not falling over when it’s windy). Those ideas are crucial to finding a new field (no pun intended).
You’ve figured out what role to pursue and are ready to chase it – that’s great! What’s the first step? Or, in your case, the first “stand completely still”?
Well, after 15 years of stagnant vigilance in that wheat field, your work ensemble is probably a bit tattered. First, I would try to sew up some of the holes in your plaid shirt. Next, be sure to trim the dead pieces of hay that stick out from under your hat. Finally, try not to draw attention to the fact that your lower half is a big metal rod sticking out of the ground. Unfortunately, for many places of employment, that last one is a deal breaker.
You know what you want, you look the part, and you’re ready to hit the ground flopping. Now how do you nail the interview?
While you are changing career paths, you don’t need to let your potential employer know this. Don’t give them any reason not to take you seriously as a candidate – except for, you know, not having any internal organs or the ability to speak or move even a tiny bit. You are ready for this, you are prepared, and you deserve the same shot as anyone else. Unless of course those candidates can do the things listed above.
So, there you have it: an iron-clad trajectory for going from “bemired” to “you’re hired”. It may be intimidating, or maybe it won’t be, seeing as you probably aren’t capable of feeling emotion. Still, nothing worth doing comes easy. So far, your life has been defined by your job, but your future is up to you.
Now, go make us proud, you itchy, soulless puppet!
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Zach Raffio is a NY based comedian + writer. He is head writer of The Broadway Beat, a Broadway/theatre-based satire publication which Seth Rudetsky has called “truly brilliant comic writing”. He contributes to satire site The Hard Times and co-hosts the podcast PEAKED with HaleyJane Rose and Edward Precht, where each week the trio dives into a guest’s teenage years to decide whether or not they peaked in high school. Guests include Matt and Kim, Jamie Loftus, Ziwe Fumudoh, Zach Reino of Off Book: The Improvised Musical, and Wes Miles of Ra Ra Riot.
