Welcome Back Students! Here’s Your Fall (of Humanity) Schedule!

Students will begin each day by sitting in a Safe Space Scream Circle. Punching bags are available for students who require a physical outlet of their brewing rage upon facing the harsh realization that existence past year 2050 is unlikely.

Ms. Bauer’s 5th Grade School Supply List (and Coping Mechanism) for 2021–2022

72 No. 2 Pencils (latex-free): These MUST be pre-sharpened. We’ve lost so much instruction time since March 2020 that we simply cannot waste precious minutes of the school day using the pencil sharpener. (Your kids will probably bring most of these home at the end of the year, unused.)


Newly sharpened pencils, erasers, and coffee mugs.

I Will Absolutely Be Sending My Kids Back To Swim At Amity Island Even Though Jaws Is Still In The Water

This shark impacts different people in different ways. It violently pulls some people underwater, only to have their partial remains wash ashore the next day while others it merely maims and leaves permanently disfigured. 

11 Ways to Recreate the Magic of Back-to-School Night Virtually

Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues! Fashion a necklace out of your teen's socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium. And more!

Back To Home School Supply List

Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy's Xanax. And more!

One Schools Very Thought Out Safety Plan

Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.

CARTOON: Back To School

Melting young minds. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

A Back to School Message from Your Child’s Teacher, Mr. Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle Gym, aka Room 16. My name is Mr. Axl Rose,…

Betsy DeVos Letter to New & Returning Public School Students

Welcome back students! It’s so nice—and surprising—to…