Welcome to the Fall 2020 School Year at District 13 Elementary School. We want you to know we are taking extreme precautions, to ensure our school is a safe environment for both students and faculty.
Child Size Hazmat Suit
All students attending school in the fall are required to wear full-body Hazmat Suits. This may make learning cursive hard for some, with an overall decline in handwriting. Don’t forget to label your child’s name on the outside of their suit, so we can identify your child.
Emergency-C Water Fountain
To maintain hydration and strong immune systems during this time, all water fountains have been filled with Emergency-C packets. To prevent children from putting their mouths to the fountains, all spouts have been redesigned to look like our cafeteria lady.
The gym will now be a holding area for all children with COVID-like symptoms. They will be kept in this area for 14 days to quarantine from society. We will provide a “fun” sleepover experience, with sing-a-long from this years school musical Bye Bye Covid, friendship bracelets made out of Clorox wipes, and of course s’mores.
To fight off bacteria, our slide will now be turned into a, yes you guessed it, a bleach water slide. For our kids safety, Janitor Steve will act as the school’s lifeguard. Note: Bleach may stain hazmat suits.
Kiddie Pool Filled With Hand Sanitizer
Desks and chairs will be replaced with kiddie pools filled with hand sanitizer for your child to sit in during class. This will also act as their personal restroom.
We understand that some of your children are very popular, and to keep them isolated from others, we will be spreading embarrassing rumors of them around the school. For example; David has lice, Ashley has diarrhea, and Vinny doesn’t have a mom. It’s not bullying if it’s for their safety.
Kristin is a Stand-Up comic and comedy writer living in New York. She is also a terrible dancer.