11 Ways to Recreate the Magic of Back-to-School Night Virtually
1. Grab your tiniest chair and turn off your air conditioner to really get in the spirit.
2. Address lifelong nightmare head-on by joining this Zoom meeting in your underwear.
3. Flush $40 down the toilet. You’ve just paid your PTA dues!
4. Score “involved parent” points by volunteering to chaperone every field trip knowing there won’t be any.
5. Fashion a necklace out of your teen’s socks to capture the olfactory splendor of the high school gymnasium.
6. Feign a coughing fit to discourage midlevel marketing moms from inviting you to socially-distanced essential oils parties.
7. Score “animal-friendly-parent” points by volunteering to house the class pet on weekends and holidays knowing “Humphrey the Hamster” died of an undisclosed respiratory illness in June.
8. Explore every nook and cranny of your student’s learning environment by touring your bathroom, basement, and the barracks you’ve set up beside your shed for those moments when you can’t possibly look at your offspring for another f@*&%ing second.
9. Place a rotten egg under your couch to mimic the smell of your child’s science wing.
10. Do a shot every time someone says, Google classroom, Schoology or We’re all in this together!
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Liz Alterman is a freelance writer and the author of the humor blog On the Balls of Our A$$ets, which chronicles the period that came after she and her husband were laid off within six weeks of each other. (Spoiler alert: Don’t try this at home.)
