I’m A 9 Year Old Piano Prodigy And Pay No Mind To The Scars All Over My Body

I want to thank all of you for making it here tonight. I’m glad you were all able to dodge the falling pianos that I've heard so much about, raining all over innocent people when they go outside for too long or forget to study their sheet music. 

Announcing the Ex-Boyfriend Reunion Tour

We've picked the perfect venue for this disastrous occasion: the really cool bar that you introduced all of them to. You know, the one where they now take girls who they're trying to sleep with to "hang out." Not that you still watch their Instagram stories or anything. Please.

Other Ways to Celebrate Woodstock 50

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella. ($850 up charge)