New Coachella Ticket Add-Ons

Exclusive, seven-part pre-show class on interpreting Cardi B’s onstage patter.  ($700 up charge) 

Special sections roped off for the gluten free, where no man buns are allowed.  ($250 up charge)

Backstage pass to sit comfortably and watch the show on a tv monitor, as if from your own living room.  ($500 up charge)

Use of trans-dimensional portal to visit Earth-2’s famous music and arts festival, Craig T Nelsonella.  ($850 up charge)

Total anonymity regarding your dad working the snack bar in order to pay for your ticket.  ($300 up charge)

VIP restroom privileges, including a relaxing story intended to relax bowels read by Idris Elba.  ($350)