Thanks For Cooking, I’ll Do The Dishes

Don’t worry about germs, the hot water will kill most of the bacteria. No hot water at the cottage? No problem-o, the dish soap will do the heavy lifting. Salmonella? Come on, everyone knows you can only get that from salmon.

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

CARTOON: Today's Special

aMAZing. Today's cartoon by Cerise Zelenetz.

Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT 

Root Vegetable Salad: Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. 

CARTOON: Rude Mood

That's nuts. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Dinner Time

Too cool to eat with your parents? Today's cartoon by Jake Goldwasser.

Despite the CDC’s Warnings, I, Hannibal Lecter, Expect to See You at my Thanksgiving Dinner

You will have to wear a mask. Diseased meats taste worse. And we don’t want the pigs to taste badly.

PIC QUIP: Give Thanks

Give Thanks, because in an alternate timeline, we are gathering with our loved ones, and eating live pythons. Happy Thanksgiving from Weekly Humorist!

CARTOON: Much Latergram

Felt cute, might eat. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

CARTOON: Spice of Life

We might be in a rut. Today's cartoon by Ellis Rosen.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

CARTOON: Cut The Kavanaugh

Cheese or Kavanaugh? Today's cartoon by Pat Byrnes.

Other People Mike Pence Won't Dine With

Pence's wife has announced that Mike Pence never dines with women…

Give Peas a Chance

ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…

Overheard at Trump/Cruz Dinner

President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially…

An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…