Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

CARTOON: Gunny Grandma

Someone's been naughty. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

These Foods Could Be Killing You!

Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

CARTOON: Semi Wacked

Only a quick nap with the fishes. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

The Overlook Hotel’s Safety Measures for Reopening Now That We Know the Hotel Is a Sentient Being That’s out for Blood.

While it appears the hotel is a sentient being that has taken control of every caretaker we’ve ever had, turning them into psychopaths who have killed or attempted to kill their entire family, we want you to know we’re doing everything we can to keep it from doing that to any of our guests. However, since spiritual forces are notoriously difficult to contain, we’re legally obligated to alert you to the voluntary risks you’re taking by staying with us. 

Goodbye Birds

But so long most of all, to the one we called regal. Goodbye to our very own proud bald eagle.

4 Uses for Your Amazing She Shed That Totally Aren’t Murder

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

Please Accept my Application to Join Your Post-Apocalypse Survival Crew

One last thing, and I think you’ll appreciate the crux of my proposal here: yoga. I’ve been practicing yoga for nearly three years now, and while technically not a certified instructor-- what? No, not certified, but does it matter? Surely your medic isn’t an actual doctor, right?

Tips for Closing Up Your Summer Home 

Did the neighbors see anything? Do they know? What is seen can never be unseen, but dead mouths tell no tales. Act accordingly.

Comedian Kills Half His Elderly Audience With Great Joke

RIVERDALE, New York – All comedians like to be told they “killed”…