Men used to settle arguments with a duel to the death. They would pull out their pistols and see who could kill the other one first. Nowadays, the way men deal with conflict is by talking to each other. Have you seen this? They actually talk and listen and debate with one another. It's obscene -- go get a room!

I’ve been informed that many of you have been talking behind my back. I don’t know who but everything you’ve said, I’ve heard it. Spreading rumors about my “endless charm” and “razor-sharp wit.” I’ve had enough. You better knock it off right now.

Covered in good vibes. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Sparks of wonder through the ages. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

So when I walk by you – whether on my way to the diving board to do another cannonball or on my way to the snack shack to get some Freedom fries – you will stand and respect the flag.

Volume non-value-add. Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

PENSACOLA, Florida – Jack Navish had worn clothing all his…