Bald eagle: You know too much about flag etiquette.
Jellyfish: You often try to manipulate people, but they see right through you.
Snail: You still use a flip phone.
Hermit crab: You own a t-shirt reading “Hell is other people.”
Octopus: You have a reputation at work for being “handsy.”
Bumblebee: You’re a workaholic.
Boa constrictor: Your exes accuse you of smothering them.
Clydesdale: You have a massive penis but don’t like to brag.
Giraffe: You never grew out of your awkward phase.
Pigeon: You think you’re street smart, but really you’re just trash.
Aardvark: You believe in the five second rule.
Platypus: People like to make guesses about your racial/ethnic background.
Komodo dragon: You were bullied as a child.
Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic.
Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family.
Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more successful brother.
Vulture: You show up late to neighborhood BBQs just to finish off everyone’s beers.
Walrus: You have a Beatles cover band called “Walrus and the Eggmen.”
Hyena: You tried stand-up once and added “comedian” to your Tinder profile.
Giant panda: Your favorite Chinese dish is General Tso’s Chicken.
Moose: You’re a cartoon cold war Russian spy.
Flying squirrel: You’re the cartoon boyfriend of a cartoon cold war Russian spy.
Blowfish: You’re currently feuding with Darius Rucker.
Phoenix: Matt Damon is your best friend.
Laura LeeLun is a Chicago-based screenwriter and comedy writer. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Reductress, and the Belladonna, among others. Follow her mildly chaotic exploits at @laleelun.