How’s it hanging? Wait, don’t answer because I already know. And, trust me, I did not want to know. Nobody wanted to be exposed to your privates.
In case you’ve flaunted your flesh on more than one occasion, allow me to refresh your memory. It was the summer of 2013. We were among a couple of thousand attendees at the Bass Coast Music and Arts Festival in Merritt, British Columbia. It was the middle of the day and a crowd was gathered in front of the main stage enjoying a musical performance.
And then you ambled onto the stage from the shadows of the wings, naked.
It was at that moment that I felt the collective buzz of everyone in attendance suddenly die. It wasn’t just a death, it was a homicide and your penis was the perpetrator. We went from having a carefree, good time and being immersed in a musical experience to having to ask ourselves, “Why’s that guy have his dick out?” This is a question no one should be forced to contemplate.
Parading yourself on stage in your birthday suit was the equivalent of sending each and every audience member an unsolicited dick pic. To make matters even worse, it’s not like we could simply delete your dick. No, you were right there, stealing center stage, detracting from our concert experience. One moment we were vibing out to sweet beats and melodies, and then – thanks to you – we were unwillingly participants in a way too easy, perverse version of “spot what’s wrong with this picture.”
Here’s an important rule to remember about penises: they should never be a surprise. You need consent from whoever you plan on showing your dingaling to before it makes an appearance. I don’t recall you getting on the mic and asking for the audience’s permission.
Before you accuse me of being a prude, I don’t have an issue with male nudity. It simply needs to be within the proper context. Earlier that day I had gone down to the river that was adjacent to the festival’s grounds for a swim and there were several people bathing in the nude. There was nothing offensive about the male nudity I saw because it was in the proper setting; it made sense for people bathing to be naked. “What’s the big difference, isn’t a penis a penis?” you may ask. Here’s an example of the importance of context. Presenting someone with a cake and blowing a kazoo is a welcomed gesture at a birthday party. The same gesture at a funeral, not so much. You, my nude dude, are the latter.
Try as I might, I can’t understand why you thought a music festival was the right time and place to go full monty. Is this some weird flasher-type fetish, a way for you to get your sick kicks? At least a flasher has the decency to wear a trench coat and only momentarily exposes himself. By contrast, you were casually shuffling about, trying to sway to the music, acting as if you were at your own personal Woodstock.
Perhaps you were inspired by some of the women at the festival who chose to go topless? Unfortunately for you, there is a big difference between breasts and a penis. Women’s breasts are a thing of natural beauty. Like gazing out on twin mountain peaks, they inspire awe and appreciation. A penis is a puzzling, disconcerting thing. It’s more like a lone Easter island statue which creates unease and confusion, “What’s that thing doing here?”
And it’s not just about appearances. No, the penis brings with it a lot of negative baggage. An unwelcome and uninvited penis can be scary and threatening. Whereas breasts are harmless, a penis is an unidentified snake in the wilderness and no one is quite sure if it’s venomous or not.
After what seemed like an eternity, security eventually ushered you off stage.
I’m not trying to body shame you. It’s great that you’re comfortable in your skin and I’m sure some people would be quite happy to see you naked if it was an agreed upon romantic experience.
If you feel the need to be naked outside of an intimate setting, volunteer as a nude model for a figure drawing class or join a nudist colony.
The saying “Rock out with your cock out” is just an expression, not something to be taken literally.
Jason Garramone is a writer and all-around comedian. He enjoys laughing and making others laugh as well.