‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.

Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?

The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. Your partner is somehow sleeping. And more!

CARTOON: Hissteria

Was the forked tongue from your father's side? 🐍

QUIZ: Are You Talking To Your 4-Year-Old Son or Your Husband?

No snacks before dinner. Use your words. Stop playing with yourself. And more!

How To Install An Outdoor Trampoline Basketball Hoop (Or Anything Else Requiring Assembly)

Step #1 - Read the instructions. Step #2 - Ask yourself why, in America, the instructions appear to be written in an Anglo-Frisian dialect from the 7th century AD. Step #3 - Look at the illustrations. Those have to be more helpful than the Old English of Step #2.

Little Orville

You can distract him with one of his toys like Wally the Walrus (in kiddie pool in spare bedroom). Orville likes the water warm enough to poach an egg but Wally needs it cool as the ocean where we found him. They’ll have to work out a compromise.

Your Child’s First Day at Bezos Academy

We believe in the importance of letting your child develop their mind and spirit through the wonders of the great outdoors. Your child will be able to romp through our vast warehouses, venture through stacked metal crates, and crawl through ventilation to kill the rats that evaded the grasp of industrial-strength poison.

Tips for Fleeing a Zombie Apocalypse or Leaving the House with a Toddler

For either a zombie apocalypse or an errand involving a toddler, pack enough provisions for three times the anticipated length of your trip. Water bottles and cereal bars are recommended for both. Canned luncheon meat is highly desirable for fleeing zombies, but can get mixed reactions from toddlers.


Feeling set up? Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

We’re Ditching The Gender Reveal. You’re Cordially Invited To Our Conception Reception

What’s a conception reception? Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show.

How To Be a Perfect Mother (In Seven Easy Steps)

The T-section is a popular new alternative to a C-section that allows mothers to still retain their Perfect Mother status by not having a C-section. It is an emergency procedure that allows the baby to be pulled out of your trachea as opposed to your abdomen.

Summer Camps for the Modern Child

Camp Anti-Vaxxer, Camp Smash the Patriarchy, Camp Climate Change Survival and more!

Fun Indoor Games to Play with Your Children While the Earth is Melting

This May was the hottest May in recorded history for the entire…

Profiles of Men Who Have Earned the Title of “Super Dad”

David, 42, is a hedge fund manager and father of two children…

Scenes From Your Nihilistic Domestic Existence

First Steps   SPOUSE: Wait, did the baby just walk?   YOU:…

I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…