It is with great joy and excitement that Sarah Taylor and Paul Portland formally invite you to take part in a week-long celebration of Sarah’s uterus.
I’m sorry, what?
It’s a conception reception.
What’s a conception reception?
Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show. Literally, this invitation is your ticket and you must have it with you at all times.
Why would you ever do something like that?
Every couple you know is probably having a gender reveal, but they’re a thing of the past. Sex doesn’t define a gender, but it certainly makes a baby. We want action, drama, sex-appeal– this party is gonna be straight out of a Shonda Rhimes sex dream. Maybe this will even inspire her next production. (We want Kate McKinnon to play Sarah in our biopic.)
Okay, but what if I don’t want that?
We understand this is non-traditional, but be a good sport. Hors d’oeuvres and drinks will be served regularly!
Following the aperitif, we’ll move to our private suite and commence some traditional party games to set the mood. Think pin the tail on the donkey but instead you’ll be pinning healthy sperm past the winding fallopian tube and onto a fertile egg. And great news if you’re a fan of Never Have I Ever, because we’ll be playing that too; only it’ll explicitly deal with conceptual knowledge. So please—ditch your plans, your income, your family, your grandma in hospice, and be there with us as we have sex a few times a day for seven days. It’s not that much to ask.
Yeah, no, I want nothing to do with this…
Relax. The actual consummation takes approximately six minutes. While that’s fun for us, we want this entire week to be even more fun for you. Look on the bright side, you’ll be receiving a goody bag with over 20 condoms in it! (No one but us is getting pregnant this week, we swear to fucking God.)
To keep the momentum going, we’ll end each night with consummation, where your positive attitude is absolutely required. We want our little baby to come into Sarah’s womb hot and fired up, so we need each and every one of you to think about Sriracha. No, not the condiment; this is our child’s name.
Right. And you expect me to come to this?
Yes. Paul will be coming all weekend long, so you should too. Additionally, we expect you to livestream this and use our special hashtag, #ConceptionReception, so that trend forecasters are able to predict our pregnancy properly. This is the only way to find out Sriracha’s moon and sun horoscope signs.
Why would you need to know that?
Because how else would we know if we’re compatible with it?
Listen, if you mess this up for us, you’ll ruin the entire baby.
Are you even mentally sound enough to bring a child into this world?
Don’t be boring!!!!!!!!!!!
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Georgia is a very lovely state in the United States of America. Georgia Shenk, however, is a comedy writer and satirist based in Washington, DC.