The blood pounds through your veins and you can feel the cold panic threatening to move up your chest and out into your extremities. You are positive the zombies will descend at any moment! Shoving more supplies into your backpack, you try to choose between the back door and the front. But stop for a moment and listen closely; is the incessant screaming your neighbors fleeing zombies or is it just the sound of your own toddler? Either way these handy instructions will ensure the success of your outing.
1) Plan your escape route. Whether you are fleeing zombies or taking an unsuspecting toddler to the grocery store, you will want a good grasp of the lay of the land. For example, you may want to know if there is there a gas station with a bathroom that’s cleaner than any of the others or somewhere to buy milk. Likewise, you’ll want to study alternate routes in case of bad traffic or approaching zombies for either scenario.
2) Coordinate with other survivalists. While choosing companions for fleeing the zombie apocalypse, choose reliable, competent and trustworthy souls. For accompaniment on parenting missions, good conversationalists may also be high on the list of priorities.
3) Seek sources of water along your route. These are useful for either zombie escapes or toddler outings, especially if it’s summer. You will need to refresh your water bottle and possibly bathe the toddler during either circumstance. Splash pads are useful for summer afternoons with toddlers but not nearly as important when escaping zombies.
4) Look for remote sources of population while on either mission. Large groups of people can be dangerous when traveling with toddlers since they can cause overstimulation with their loud noises and overly exuberant greetings. Similarly, large crowded areas should be avoided while fleeing zombies since more people provide more zombie fodder.
5) For either a zombie apocalypse or an errand involving a toddler, pack enough provisions for three times the anticipated length of your trip. Water bottles and cereal bars are recommended for both. Canned luncheon meat is highly desirable for fleeing zombies, but can get mixed reactions from toddlers. Pack peanuts and peanut butter for evading zombies but use caution when packing these items to take on trips with toddlers since opinions from the American Society of Pediatrics change with some frequency. Fruits and vegetables are good to have with you for either fleeing zombies or a trip with a toddler but don’t expect that toddlers will eat them, especially if you remembered the granola bars that often are just candy bars masquerading as health food.
Freelance writer Jill Morgenstern has four kids and 13 years teaching experience.