Ted Bundy for President in 2020!

Bernie? Burnt. Kamala? Problematic. What the Democrats need to unite the old party insiders with the far left extremists is a fresh new face who also has a proven record, someone with charisma and even a little of that old 2007 Obama sex appeal. One man stands out: Theodore Robert Bundy.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s dance video was cute, but it’s already stale, while Bundy is as hot as Old Sparky. With The Ted Bundy Tapes on Netflix and the upcoming movie starring Zac Efron, Bundy is really trending among millennials, women under 40, and psychological profilers.

Then there’s the rest of his resume. Political experience? Check – he was an activist and worked for several political campaigns in Washington State. Spirit of service? Check – he volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline in Seattle. Wolfish grin that says “Trust me, even though I will abuse that trust in ways more horrible than you can imagine”? Double check.

You think Joe Biden was a man of the people because he took the train to work? Bundy drives a Volkswagen Bug. You think Beto O’Rourke is adorable because he skateboards? Please, millennials see right through that kind of pandering. But picture an Instagram story of Bundy engaging in some of his favorite hobbies, like hiking, skiing, and making his own plaster casts. Total clickbait.

Okay, I can hear your objections: wasn’t Bundy a Republican? Sure, but that was a 1970s Republican, back when everyone was more moderate. By today’s polarized standards, Reagan would be considered a Democrat. Presidential candidate Bundy would lure moderate and even Republican votes away from Trump with his clean-cut good looks and his super-relatable knack for blaming women for his own shortcomings.

Let’s look at this from the electoral college perspective. Bundy moved around a lot, so there are several states that can claim him as a native son: Vermont, Pennsylvania – swing state, ca-ching! – Washington, Utah. Last but not least, there’s Florida, with its 29 electoral votes. Yes, technically Bundy was a legal resident of Florida State Prison’s death row, and he didn’t make the greatest impression on the locals during his brief stay in Tallahassee, but he’s still more appealing than Marco Rubio.

Google “Ted Bundy” + “charming,” and you get over 320,000 hits. If you think Cory Booker can match those numbers, think again. And if you’re worried that a law-school dropout who’s never held elected office will be accused of inexperience, we can put an insider in the VP slot to balance the ticket. Maybe AOC . . . an attractive brunette . . . okay, maybe Gillibrand . . . you know what, just stick Biden in there.

I mean, who else can beat Trump in 2020? That fucking coffee billionaire? That’s a venti cup of “nope” from me. Elizabeth Warren seems a little shrill. Beto, with his horsey teeth and his weird steak-eating video? Come, that guy lost to Ted Cruz, who’s basically a walking sack of maggots. Bundy might be a monster, but he’s no Ted Cruz.

Okay, yes. The murders. It’s true, Ted Bundy murdered at least thirty and perhaps as many as one hundred women, including girls as young as twelve years old. He kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and brutalized them. He inflicted unspeakable suffering on his victims and their families, and left a legacy of pain and trauma that may never heal. And yes, technically he’s been dead since his execution by electric chair in 1989. Look, I’m not a scientist; I don’t know if the Dems will want to clone him or implant his consciousness in Zac Efron’s body or what. My point is, he’s better than Trump, and he’s a legit snack.

It takes a psychopath to beat a psychopath, y’all. Bundy-Biden 2020!