Ten Tips for Wives to Better Understand Their Husband of 20+ Years While on a Beach Vacation

1) Purchases of t-shirts by your husband from beach breweries will never exceed the amount of decorative whale pillows you purchase from artsy beach stores, even if it feels like it.

2) There are only two conditions when it’s acceptable to suggest to your husband that he purchase a new bathing suit at the beach:

3) Your husband will act like he didn’t notice the attractive lady thirty yards to the left. In reality, he saw her an hour ago and already downloaded the virtual JPEG image into the deep recesses of his brain, where only alike photos, irrelevant sports statistics, and obscure lyrics to grunge band songs reside.

4) If you suggest to your husband that he reapply his sunscreen and he waves you off, he’s not being disrespectful. He just thinks that if Obi-Wan Kenobi can fight Annakin Skywalker on the fiery planet of Mustafar in Star Wars episode III: Revenge of the Sith, and not get burned, neither will he.

5) If your husband wants you to stop into one of those old-time photo places on the boardwalk with him, dress up in pre-Victorian costumes that haven’t been washed since pre-Victorian times, and spend $118 on poor quality photos, just go along with it.

6) Inevitably, your husband will try and explain the weather patterns on the coast and how they differ from the ones at home. 96% of what he says is either made up or is something his father told him in 1986. Nod your head and say, “That’s neat, dear.”

7) Your husband doesn’t want to try seven different restaurants for dinner. He prefers visiting the same one seven times in a row because they cooked his flounder to perfection last year. After the first night, he’ll realize the flounder wasn’t as good as he remembers and you’ll be free to explore other options.

8) Your husband can’t be expected to do your laundry while on vacation. You have a lot of weird beach clothes of varying fabrics and he doesn’t understand the meaning of ‘delicates.’ His entire laundry doing experience revolves around cotton. You can, and should, blame his mother for this.

9) Fun fact: Every scented candle smells exactly the same to your husband. Therefore, he trusts you to select the perfect beach themed one to pair with the plethora of whale pillows you already purchased.

10) Your husband is genetically engineered to yell “This is bullshit,” while stuck in beach traffic. In 2024, he is also allowed to add a “Goddammit,” at his own discretion, because these days the GPS will tell him the exact moment he’ll arrive home, and it’s steadily increasing. He’s not yelling at you, even if he’s yelling in your direction because he wanted to leave an hour earlier than you actually did.