Originals

Road Trip Stops You Won’t Want To Miss!!

Amish-sion Possible, Eager Rupture, PA–    Daily live performances of what is essentially the Amish version of American Ninja Warrior.     Flaming butter churns, barn-raisings plagued by hornet nests, and even more to tantalize and titillate your senses!


Moisters Of The Universe, Shingle’s Rock, FL-   He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe themed water park.   Due to water shortages throughout the country, rides do not contain the water element, but many of the slides can still be used (although they’re blisteringly hot from sitting out in the sun all day, so long pants and shirts should be worn when riding).    Stores and booths selling He-Man merchandise all open as well.


World’s Largest Skin-Tag / Tapeworm, Radish Fluster, TX–    Although locally infamous Kentuckian Lawrence Gorbert isn’t sure exactly what that is extending from his body (“He won’t go to the doctor to get it checked out.”, his clearly frustrated wife explains), but whatever it is….   well, let’s just say that it’s best viewed on a day when you don’t have meal plans that can’t be rescheduled.     On the plus side, Lawrence doesn’t charge for selfies with him and whatever that is.


That Guy From That Show That One Time, Ormphash NE-    What was the name of that show?    The one with the retired detective, and he had gills, or something?   And that guy, he played the bad guy in one episode.   Not the main guy, one of the main guy’s henchmen.    Anyway, he lives here now.    Come by and say howdy!    He’s usually sitting in the cafe, nursing an iced tea and starting off into the distance.




Hickory Bluffs Country Inne & Butt-Plug Musuem, Borphinger, TN-     Decent bread and breakfast.   And say hi to your mom from us while you’re at the museum!    Ha, gotcha!    Solid burn!


Pervert Cemetery, Skeeve Nebraska-    In the small town of Skeeve, Nebraska, deceased perverts are buried in the Pervert Cemetery.    Feel free to wander amongst the tombstones, which are inscribed with the horrific nature and crimes of each pervert.    Editor’s Note:   If you yourself are a pervert, best to be wary of any invitations to visit this particular destination.


Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK-    Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.   “We’ve tried to have the bees run out of here,”, explained orchard co-owner Fetch Lanzley, “but it just costs too much.     We wouldn’t be able to afford to keep the orchard open.”     So they have tried to use the situation to their advantage, like offering free bushels of apples to those who are able to gather them without being stung.   “It works out pretty well,” said Fetch, “as pretty much everybody gets stung at least a few times.”    For those unwilling to brave the orchard, the souvenir shop offers jars of apple sauce for purchase.   “We find that the apple sauce usually contains quite a few dead bees,” explained Fletch, “so we just refer to that as ‘chunky style’.”


Tapioca Rok’a, Kathaturnsly, VA-   This life-sized tapioca pudding sculpture of Al Roker is easily the most popular feature of this small town.  “Unless you count that happy ending massage parlor over by the abandoned mall.”, offers sculpture-creator Eggar Dompster.     This temperature-controlled piece of art is faithful down to the last detail, but for the Motley Crue tattoo on the sculpture’s bare chest.   “That was more of a guess than anything,” said Dompster, “but I have a pretty strong feeling.”     According to local legend, the gooey sculpture comes to life and lumbers downtown once a year to co-host the local Thanksgiving parade.    “That has nothing to do with the series of girl scout murders at around the same time, though.”, cautions Dompster.

 

by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence