The Inner Monologue of a Cyclist in a City

I’m so glad I decided to step out of the house today. It’s lovely! Makes sense that this is what all the poets are on about all the time.

I’m so glad I went with Sylvia when she wanted to get her bike repaired. If someone like Sylvia can commit to biking every day, there’s no way I can’t. I am way more committed than she has ever been. I bet she’ll last a week at most, just long enough for the neighborhood to know that Sylvia can cycle.

Wow, this bike is smooth, considering it’s been, what, five years since I last rode it? That garage did really good work. I’ll have to review them on Yelp. Wonder if I can mention that it helped that I got the cute guy to fix my bike. Should be a rating option, the cuteness of the service provider. Maybe then I’ll start getting good reviews for my work, because honestly, at this point it’s beginning to seem like everyone is just—

Okay no, stop, stop thinking. I should listen to my therapist and not think about my work when I’m trying to rel—

What was that?! What did I just run over? Oh god oh god.

Why isn’t there a rearview mirror on this bike? Don’t bikes usually have a rearview mirror!? Now I have to stop and see if I ran over someone’s pet hamster or something. Oh. It was only a speed bump. Why do they need speed bumps on a bike track! We’re all going at, like, 10 miles per hour! If I wanted to go any slower, I would have walked!

Who plans these cities? Is this a job I can do? Maybe then I won’t just be sitting at a desk and waiting for something to happen…No. No I’m NOT going to think about work. Think of something else, something else. Oh right. I have to go back to the garage, get some mirrors fitted. Ha, maybe I can slip the cute guy my number.

What is with the bike bell being a faint trill? Why don’t bikes have louder horns? Bicycles are already small enough! How is a bus going to hear me if I’m coming? Who decided to give bigger vehicles bigger horns? Shouldn’t smaller vehicles have the louder horns? If people can’t see us coming, at least they can hear us. Who makes these decisions? How do I find them? It’s like nobody really cares about us cyclists.

But am I a cyclist? I mean, is there a cutoff for being a cyclist? I suppose I have to do it for at least a month before I can call myself one. Don’t think it’d be fair to update my profiles, but maybe if I change my bio on the dating app and add some pictures, that sexy athlete will finally match with me. We could go cycling together and be a faster version of the couple that runs together. Maybe we could get a tandem bicycle and start an Instagram page! @intandem. It would be hilarious. And cute. Definitely cute, in an avant garde way, where, you know, we’d be dismissive and indifferent about it so it makes it cuter. It fails if we care too much. But I know I wouldn’t. Obviously.

Wow is this what my therapist meant when she said that I get carried away by my thoughts? Is it progress that I’m noticing it now? I should write this down for the next session.

Ugh nobody really tells you just how hard a bicycle seat is, do they? Why is this not on cycling forums and cycling PSAs? And how did I forget? This might be the most uncomfortable I have ever been, even compared to ninth grade when I went through that entire day with my skirt caught in my underwear and people decided it would be hilarious to not tell me. This is definitely worse. Also how do men deal with these hard seats?

I wonder if I could attempt to cross the road without having my mortality threatened by these giant metallic hunks. They should ban big cars. Anything bigger than a Beetle should be outlawed and the owners fined. Maybe that’s the answer to global warming. Get them out of their jeeps and onto bicycle seats. They might be able to drive a stick, but can they sit on one for what feels like forever?

Haha, I’m hilarious. If only the sexy athlete matched with me, he could find out.

Maybe I’ll run into the sexy athlete on the track. His photo made it seem like he was cycling in the park. I should go there too. But isn’t the park, like, three miles away? I could bike there, but what are the chances?

Wow why is that runner glaring at me? I bet sexy athlete would stare him down if he were with me. That would be so sexy. Not that jealousy is a sexy trait. Or possessiveness. But I could live with a little of both. I mean, how weird would it be if he just didn’t care. If my last relationship taught me anything, it’s that indifference is the least hot thing about a partner, and like—

Cycling burns more calories than running, doesn’t it? In fact, I think I read it burns more than any other exercise. Although maybe that was about swimming. Not that I’d know about that, like Sylvia so often likes to point out. Just because I don’t know how to swim doesn’t mean she gets to lord it over me.

Wonder if not knowing how to swim would be a deal breaker with the sexy athlete. Maybe I should stop thinking about him so much. Actually, come to think of it, I might never even have ridden the bike today if I wasn’t so influenced by him. What was it that I read on that feminism Instagram page? Oh yeah, that I should be figuring myself out before I step into a relationship. Wait, how is that feminism? Is it? I can’t even tell anymore. Maybe I need to start developing crushes on men who enjoy pigging out on chips and dip while watching a long-running series.