The Master Criminal

Most criminals get caught because they make mistakes. But my criminal career can never be derailed, because I am always careful.

 

For example, when I housesit, I steal money. However, I only take small amounts. This morning, a wealthy friend let me watch his home and feed his purebred Sphynx cat while he was on vacation. I saw that he had left a $100 bill out on his bureau. I refused to get greedy and swipe the whole $100. Instead, I pocketed the bill and left $82.74 in small bills and change in its place. My friend didn’t notice the missing $17.26. I imagine that, if he thought anything of it at all, he assumed he had miscounted his cash.

 

Also, I took his Sphynx cat and replaced it with a generic tabby. “I guess I’ve had a normal cat all along,” he must have thought.

 

When I departed from his house, I peeled out in his Rolls Royce—but pulled off the hood ornament and glued it to the basket on the front of my bicycle, which he then regarded as his Rolls Royce. He’d been out of town for hours, and the human mind warps memories.

 

You might think it would be easy to get caught practicing psychology without a license, as I started doing this afternoon, but I overwhelmed the authorities by driving to my office without a license, and posting flyers advertising that I was more than willing to perform surgery without a license, serve liquor without a license, and host guests in my office, which was also listed as an unlicensed Airbnb.

 

No clients showed up during the hour I was sitting in the office. When the doorbell finally did ring, I became frightened and climbed out the window.

 

I drove away at a high speed. How could I do this without being arrested for speeding? Simple: I maintained an average speed below the speed limit. The speed limit on the highway I used was 55; I drove at 150 miles per hour for 60 minutes as I got away from the police car on my tail, then rolled forward at two miles per hour for the following two hours, using the left lane because that’s the best lane. When I was pulled over, I pointed out that my average speed had been an inarguably legal 52 miles per hour.

 

The cop erroneously insisted that my previous “speeding” was still not allowed, and furthermore the car I was driving without a license had been reported stolen. No problem: I just handed her my $100 bill and valuable Sphynx cat, and told her that she was welcome to ride around in my Rolls Royce with me at any time.

 

When the officer acted as if this was insufficient, I told her that I was a psychologist, and it was apparent to me that her inability to feel satisfied with such a generous offer was a sign that she had an unhealthy relationship with her ambitions, and was running on the hedonic treadmill faster and faster with no end in sight. This seemed to make her angry, in my judgement as an unlicensed therapist. As such, I got out of the Rolls Royce and ran away.

 

Sure, I no longer had the money, the cat, the car, or the psychology practice, but this was never about material possessions. It was about proving that I, the master criminal, could get away with anything. And I can, as long as you are a master lawyer. On a related note: do you accept IOUs? In that case, I owe you one Sphynx cat.