The Optimal Life Can Be Yours If You Have the Right Routine and Zero Obligations
Are you looking to optimize every facet of your life? I’ve gotten so many questions from my gym mates and business school friends about how I do it, and I realized the world needs this YouTube channel. In this video, I’ll share how to build a perfectly calibrated life, with my Proprietary Optimization Routine (check the description box below for prerequisites).
First, it’s key to wake up at 4 am every day, since a consistent sleep/wake cycle maintains your optimal metabolism. Don’t use an alarm—instead, you want to hone your circadian rhythms by going to bed at 8 pm in the peaceful house where you live alone. Be sure to avoid common pitfalls, such as consuming caffeine after noon, or children.
Once you’re up, ignore your phone for the first twenty hours of the day. It’s not like anyone depends on being able to reach you, right?
Then you’re going to head into the spare-bedroom-turned-meditation-den and shut your eyes, because it’s time for a snappy 45 minute session. Daily meditation prevents all mental health issues, which I know is true because I’ve never had any.
Now that you’re centered, preview the day in your Google calendar, where every minute should be blocked off for essentials like meetings, breaks, and bowel movements. If ADHD, depression, or burnout from inadequate social support are interfering with your time management, see the previous step.
But before you dive into the work day, it’s so important to connect with nature and kickstart Vitamin D production. I like to hike through my serene backyard down the adjoining riverside trail, but you do you! Whatever you do, it’s key to ignore potential stressors out in the world like lost dogs, confused elderly neighbors, or burglaries in progress. This will keep your cortisol levels low.
For lunch, crack into an exactly 587 calorie meal delivered by Elite Eats™. But if they’re running late, don’t use that as an excuse–I always have a calorically dense backup meal made by my girlfriend, Janet. As you eat, listen to an audiobook on extreme mindfulness at 3x speed.
You’ve primed your mind, now let’s tackle the bod! Alternate cold plunges and infrared sauna sessions until a blood test shows that your dopamine levels are primed. This is completely safe for all of us in perfect health, and also, I heard it on the Huberman Lab podcast.
Then, it’s time for deep work! For the next 90 minutes, you’ll be totally engulfed in flow state as your brain works at its highest capacity. I don’t let anything—not family, pets, or Amber Alerts—interrupt this sacred creative space where I listen to Spotify, watch the sun set, and loop my assistant Amy into work emails to sort out the details.
After all that work, we’ve got to refuel with another nutritionally-optimized 654 calorie meal. Enjoy it in your spotless house, since your cleaner (mine’s Daniella) came through while you were in flow state. I hire and pay Daniella through a third-party app, so I’ve never met her in the three years she’s worked for me, but she’s a star!
Post-dinner, we begin the wind down process. The key here is to keep it positive, so do not engage with world news, community organizing, or the emotional needs of others. Lay on your engineered hardwood floor, shut your eyes, and visualize your most cherished memories. Personally, I think about the time Joe Rogan complimented my deadlift form.
For our final step before drifting off to sleep, we gotta write for 60 minutes in a Bulletproof Lifestyle™ gratitude journal, which is the best. I’ll admit this is a hard habit to build, but science shows it really helps, so try to think of something, anything, you could be thankful for.
And there you go, the perfect daily routine for an optimal life. I don’t understand why more people don’t live like this, but I’m not about gatekeeping, so now that I’ve shared these tips there’s straight up no excuse. Happy optimizing!
Prerequisites include but are not limited to endless financial resources, 100% flexible schedule, total physical and mental health, an army of supporting women, complete lack of obligations to other humans, and no stress to begin with.
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Tom Ellison lives in the Washington, DC area where he writes humor, arguably. His work has appeared in Weekly Humorist, McSweeney’s, and Slackjaw.