Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia.
Buzz, the Honey Nut Cheerios bee, is a flat-earther and has had multiple videos on the subject banned from YouTube.
Sonny, who is “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” abandoned his family and refused to pay court-mandated child support. Nevertheless, when he needed a kidney transplant, he shamelessly reached out to all five of his now-adult offspring.
Every day, Count Chocula prays to be relieved of the horrible curse placed upon him that forces him to live forever and eat nothing but chocolate.
Dig’em, the Honey Smacks frog, knows how Bob Crane died but won’t tell anyone, even the police.
Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun, wears that little hat to conceal his vestigial twin, which is alive but not conscious.
Rice Krispies’ Snap and Pop are a couple, having previously been part of a throuple with Crack, who was ejected from the relationship for what a press release would only call “various perversions.”
Tony the Tiger doesn’t believe in doctors and has removed what he thinks is just a mole from his back eight times.
Franken Berry used to stay at the YMCA pretty often, and one night, his roommate died. Franken Berry stole the man’s identity so he could keep cashing his Social Security checks.
Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years.
The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates.
The Trix Rabbit won three Grammys during his 1988 to 2005 tenure as drummer for the Goo Goo Dolls.
Brian Boone is a contributor to Funny or Die, Someecards, Splitsider, The Chive, and Looper, and his work has appeared on McSweeney’s, StarWipe, and many other fine humor and pop culture destinations. He’s the author of several delightful books, wrote a musical about pirates, and came in third on Jeopardy! once. He will clog your Twitter timeline with dad jokes.