The Spy Who Came in from the Access Hollywood Bus

A dimly lit tavern, somewhere along the Ukrainian border. A waitress circles the room listlessly, serving steaming plates of roasted meats. The establishment’s patrons eat in murmurs, regarding each other with quiet suspicion. The door opens, letting in a flurry of snow, along with a mysterious stranger wearing a cheap, baggy suit and a fur hat. He scans the room, walks over to the back corner, and sits down across from a stout, balding Russian man, Petrov.

PETROV: Welcome, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: The rains in Spain fall mainly on the plain, okay?

PETROV: Huh?

TRUMP: Are you deaf? I said, the rains in Spain—listen, are we doing the code phrase or not?

PETROV: It is no longer necessary.

TRUMP: Well, it would’ve been nice if someone had told me we weren’t using code phrases anymore. That’s all I’m saying.

PETROV: It was in the last report.

TRUMP: You think I read those? Listen, I summarize. I summarize. I glance, I see what it’s about. Very high level.

PETROV: Take off your hat, sit for a while.

TRUMP: What hat?

PETROV: Never mind. Just sit.

TRUMP: You see the legs on that waitress?

PETROV: десять

TRUMP: I should come back to this joint when I’m looking for my next wife.

PETROV: Yes, yes.

TRUMP: Ten years or a hundred thousand miles. A good rule of thumb, I tell you. They get all grabbed-out after that.

PETROV: Here is the latest report from Moscow. You should be a happy man. Everything is looking positive for November 8th.

TRUMP: Great. So Trump TV will be ready to launch as soon as the election’s over?

PETROV: No—

TRUMP: Man, I can’t tell you how tired I am of the campaigning. Except the rallies, except the rallies. Some of these women, at the rallies—you can look right down their tops. The best. I ask my men to bring them right to the front of the crowd, give ‘em some ‘Women for Trump’ signs. You know.

PETROV: Everything is arranged for you to win the—

TRUMP: Some of them, almost as attractive as my daughter, Ivanka, let me tell you.

PETROV: Mr. Trump, I am telling you, in all likelihood, you will be next the President of the United States.

TRUMP: Right, right, president, sure. Yeah, that’ll be good, too.

PETROV: Our reports are showing the emails we stole from the DNC, along with our fake news campaign, are having their desired effect on the American public.

TRUMP: You ever just wake up with a hard one and it doesn’t go away?

PETROV: Now the Kremlin wishes to discuss policy toward Russia after you are elected.

TRUMP: Great.

PETROV: You understand, of course, you are tremendously indebted to Russia for the presidency?

TRUMP: Right. Tremendous relationship. I love the Russian people. Great, great relationship with the Russian people. The vodka, the ballet. It’s fantastic. Two of my wives are from this area.

PETROV: In Russia, we have a saying: “There is not space in a small room for a sick man pretending to be strong.”

TRUMP: I’m very, very healthy. The rallies, pointing at the rallies, pointing, and moving, moving my arms—a very good workout, let me tell you. Very good workout. There’s no concerns about my health.

PETROV: Mr. Trump, I do not think we understand each other. The Kremlin now wishes to move forward with our plans to erode the American empire through corruption and incompetence.

TRUMP: Oh, corruption. You don’t need to tell me about corruption. Hillary is so corrupt. So, so corrupt. Horrible. Completely incompetent people in charge right now. I’ll bring the best people in. Jeff Sessions. Andrew Puzder. Puzder’s fantastic. Fantastic guy. He franchises Carl’s Jr.’s. Shorter than me. A bit shorter. I’m probably a good one, two inches taller than him.

PETROV: Yes, precisely. Puzder would be a fantastic choice for Labor Secretary. Sow discontent among the American workers. Very cunning, Mr. Trump.

TRUMP: And my daughter, Ivanka, will be in there, too. I don’t know what she’ll do yet. Wouldn’t mind if she was First Lady, if you know what I mean. Beautiful, beautiful girl. A ten.

PETROV: Yes, Ivanka as First Lady. Brilliant move, Mr. Trump. Americans will be disgusted.

TRUMP: And I was considering appointing Ben Carson as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. You know, urban housing, urban guy. Match made in heaven.

PETROV: Indeed.

TRUMP: I’m going to do so much for the blacks, believe me. I love the blacks. Cuba Gooding, Jr. Lil Wayne. I’m the least racist person you know, Petrov.

PETROV: Exactly, Mr. Trump. We believe that this is the kind of language that will further solidify the divisions in your country and bring America to its knees.

TRUMP: Oh, there’s nothing like that, let me tell you. You know, I had some thoughts on Secretary of State, too. Are you ready for this? Rex Tillerson. The ExxonMobil guy? He’s just terrific. World-class player. He loves Russia, I love Russia. Genius, right?

PETROV: Hmm, I’m not so sure, Mr. Trump. Do you think nominating Mr. Tillerson will be a little too obvious? We do not want to arouse suspicion of Russian meddling.

TRUMP: Russian what? Listen, Petrov, I’m about to make America so, so great. So great, it’ll make your head spin. I’m telling it like it is, okay? I’m a winner. Winners win. I tell all of my kids that. I tell everyone that. They ask, “Donald, how did you manage to build such a tremendous empire and become so, so successful?” And I say, “Winners win.”

PETROV: Right. On second thought, Mr. Trump, do whatever you feel is best.

TRUMP: No problem there. I’m a star, you know.