Originals

Paul Manafort’s To Do List

Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor.


Arrange for Trump campaign volunteers to water my plants.


Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth


Do a bit of sprucing up before the photo session for People magazine’s “Biggest Piece Of Shit, Human Garbage” issue.




Hide myself better than I hid my money.


Intentionally contract anal warts, as to be less appealing in the big house.


Try to somehow work a merchandising angle for all of the eventual Manafort effigies.


Hey, I just remembered!   I don’t need to do anything!   Trump will probably pardon me!