The Ten Commandments Revised for Louisiana Public Schools

 “Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom, the latest move from a GOP-dominated Legislature pushing a conservative agenda under a new governor.” –AP News, 6/20/24

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1. You shall have no other governors before Me, Governor Jeff Landry of the great state of Louisiana.

2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image — any likeness of anything that is in any other religion other than whatever warped cult-like Evangelical Trumpism Christianity we worship in the Louisiana legislature. For I, the Landry your Governor, am a jealous Governor, visiting the iniquity (I don’t know what that word means because I was educated in Louisiana public schools) fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of the ACLU who hate Me, but showing mercy to dozens, to those who love Me and keep my My commandments (and also whisper in my ear when this press conference is over what the hell iniquity means).

3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your Governor in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes Him to court for violating the First Amendment.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, unless the Sabbath is Shabbat and you are Jewish. We don’t have those in Louisiana. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Landry your Governor. If this was actually Exodus 20:8-11, I would tell you to rest. But since you’re a student please for the love of God do your homework and study on the Sabbath, for we have spent so much time and taxpayer money policing the religion of our state that we don’t have the resources left to actually teach, and thus rank 47th in education nationwide. 

5. Honor your father and your mother, unless they are a religion other than Evangelical Christianity, that your days may be long upon the land which the Landry your Governor is giving you, unless you rent.

6. You shall not murder from the moment of conception. After birthday, we don’t really care what you do anymore.

7. You shall not commit adultery. Probably more relevant for conservative Republican lawmakers than 5th graders, but we’re not going to address that at this time. Thou shall only learn abstinence-only sex education, so you’ll never know what this means anyway.

8. You shall not steal. Unless you’re stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Unless your neighbor is gay.

10. You shall not covet. I just learned what “covet” means. You shall not “covet” your neighbor’s house, unless they have a pool or live on a golf course. Then, maybe you can get them evicted for being poor, which is not the Governor’s will. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, unless she is younger and hotter than your own.